I know, I am lame. Let's face it, if I was waiting for the time I go back home in a trip with FRIENDS at the very first day, why would I look forward to spend a week with strangers with plenty of rules and ospek-ish environment? Yep.
I won't get tired mentioning this: I like home. A lot. If I can be at home, I'll be home. If I can't, then I'd be home as soon as I can. There's a reason why meet ups and sleepovers are usually done in my house.
Anyway.
The past week is plenty fun, despite my initial expectation. I like dancing and playing games, there are plenty of dancing time and playing time. I don't like people much but these people at least tolerate me in my superficial form, which makes me feel welcome. What I really like about things that I don't generally enjoy is the things I learnt from it.
As per usual, I am nothing but myself except when it comes to eating. I am still confused with being a human being--all with the sentience of the certain things and not on others, but I have enough experience to know that despite what I feel or think, if I lose my appetite it means I am not comfortable. It means something is wrong. Yes. Now I know. I ate regularly though, just not as much as usual. Some other times, entering the cafeteria alone enough to make me feel like puking. Phew! Let me tell you, I do not feel stressed or think I am stressed at all (if you're there you know I don't) but in truth, I did.
Things like this also happens when I was in SG. But at the time, I was too busy trying to understand what my gut is telling me to actually listen. I thought of how convenient it would be if I can know things without having to listen to my gut, because let alone my gut--I don't even know what I feel or think sometimes. And they are plenty obvious (ok maybe not all the time but they are kind of obvious).
I also learnt that I am not as big hearted as I thought I am. I always embrace the fact that I am aware of how selfish I can be (and how insensitive I can be) but I was forced not to be because I had the responsibility to. This bothers me so much I cried (Well... partly also because of the tiredness I haven't felt for a while). So just imagine me, sobbing inside the bathroom because I want to play and not operating the slides. I am glad I know myself better afterwards.
The last thing I learnt is that I really have no control over how people perceive me. Or have yet the control to? I think at the moment impression management is more tiresome than doing whatever seemed fun to me. Will I ever change, I don't know. I don't want to do anything tiresome though, let's just hope the time doesn't have to come.
I really don't know what to expect when I have to depart from home. I will be leaving to growing boys, hopefully they'd get along better after I am back.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Trip and Stuffs
I was on a trip for a few days, with my friends, sleeping on other person's home. Funny thing is, it was just the first day and I was already counting the time when I will go back home. Not because it wasn't fun or anything (because it was fun and I had plenty of firsts), but I just like home. It makes me wonder if I always feel this way and only notice it because it's the first time I'd be away on vacation for more than 2 days or something.
There are a lot of opportunity to see the open sky, that I really like. I love seeing the open sky. It's so refreshing. There was one time when after like a total of 16 hours driving for 4 days I finally get to sit NOT behind the wheel and I can't think of nothing else but how relaxing and exciting it was. The sky was still dark, and the stars is really pretty, and the trees around are really tall and nice. The wind was pretty chilly but it's a nice change after hours exposed with car aircon. OOH I really like it.
And I also learnt things after this trip. I want to be a nicer person. I suppose I'm already quite nice (you cannot be too sure), but after this trip where I see my friends being nice, I want to be nicer! I experience kindness in this vacation and it makes me want to be a better friend. Though it's not like my other friends are not nice (I've been in current level of nice because of them after all), it's just there are a different kind of 'nice' that I probably experience exactly because of the circumstances. I am so happy that I think I want to be nicer, it's so cool.
Oh yeah, I drove quite a distance there too. There's one day where I drove like 140km (and only for around 4 hours! How crazy is that, sometimes it's an hour drive for just 10 km in Jakarta), my previous experience cannot compare. These 4 days driving distance is greater than all the driving of the 5 years having license (Since I rarely drive, thanks to the horrid traffic). Feels like I leveled up tons in one go, if I were a level 2 driver I was sure I've become like level 6 or 7 already. (I guess that's what passing a mountain with a manual will do to you. Paying respects to all drivers out there.)
My friend slept at my bed yesterday and said that my bed is comfy. I am so happy, because I think so too.
__
Just the day before the trip, my friends and I join this board game tournament. The opponents in my table are newbies, whereas I played this game like every other day with my parents. But I lost. I'm so lame, hahaha! (I think the uncle that bet for me jinx my luck. Dang. I was leading like until the last 3 turns.) My friends also lost--all of us in the first round. We then witness the difference between a veteran and amateur. It reminds me a lot of sports anime something, cuz I always play mindlessly--like with so and so plans or strategy--but there are these folks who are like crazy serious with this stuff. It's fun, though! Gonna do it again some other time.
__
There are a lot of opportunity to see the open sky, that I really like. I love seeing the open sky. It's so refreshing. There was one time when after like a total of 16 hours driving for 4 days I finally get to sit NOT behind the wheel and I can't think of nothing else but how relaxing and exciting it was. The sky was still dark, and the stars is really pretty, and the trees around are really tall and nice. The wind was pretty chilly but it's a nice change after hours exposed with car aircon. OOH I really like it.
And I also learnt things after this trip. I want to be a nicer person. I suppose I'm already quite nice (you cannot be too sure), but after this trip where I see my friends being nice, I want to be nicer! I experience kindness in this vacation and it makes me want to be a better friend. Though it's not like my other friends are not nice (I've been in current level of nice because of them after all), it's just there are a different kind of 'nice' that I probably experience exactly because of the circumstances. I am so happy that I think I want to be nicer, it's so cool.
Oh yeah, I drove quite a distance there too. There's one day where I drove like 140km (and only for around 4 hours! How crazy is that, sometimes it's an hour drive for just 10 km in Jakarta), my previous experience cannot compare. These 4 days driving distance is greater than all the driving of the 5 years having license (Since I rarely drive, thanks to the horrid traffic). Feels like I leveled up tons in one go, if I were a level 2 driver I was sure I've become like level 6 or 7 already. (I guess that's what passing a mountain with a manual will do to you. Paying respects to all drivers out there.)
My friend slept at my bed yesterday and said that my bed is comfy. I am so happy, because I think so too.
__
Just the day before the trip, my friends and I join this board game tournament. The opponents in my table are newbies, whereas I played this game like every other day with my parents. But I lost. I'm so lame, hahaha! (I think the uncle that bet for me jinx my luck. Dang. I was leading like until the last 3 turns.) My friends also lost--all of us in the first round. We then witness the difference between a veteran and amateur. It reminds me a lot of sports anime something, cuz I always play mindlessly--like with so and so plans or strategy--but there are these folks who are like crazy serious with this stuff. It's fun, though! Gonna do it again some other time.
__
A bonus conversation I had with my senior a month ago:
What is success for you?
To not regret.
What is the thing you regret the most?
That I don't let him sleep in my bed.
What is the saddest day you've ever had?
The days when I go home and I remember that he's gone forever.
What is your biggest fear?
That I will live long enough to feel that I can't keep waiting for life to end, and that I have to end it by my own means.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Responsibly Selfish
I think the problem with people is that they just don't realize how selfish they are being. I have written a little about what I think about selfishness here, so you might want to read that one too.
Anyway. Yeah.
I don't think many people realize that they are selfish, just because it's just natural to do certain things or because things they do benefitted others. Hmm. Interesting, but very annoying sometimes.
This is how I understand living, so feel free to disagree, but I think people have to be selfish to really understand what they want and what they got. They have to be selfish to be grateful.
Sometimes people tell me that wanting this and that is selfish. Wow, ok. So other earthly things I do is not selfish? Let me tell you, living is a struggle. You cannot even let yourself alive not in expense of others.
Take myself as an example.
I am feeding myself from taking millions of life. There is no count to how many farm animals that has been cut to keep myself alive for 22 years. And let see, how many trees has ended their life for the hundred thousand tissue I used for my runny nose? Not to mention those who died for the paper I used for exams or doodles, and for the sake of books that I enjoy reading. The seat that I have in school, I wonder who could have my seat if I were not there? A person who wants good education as much as I do, probably. Some other person can fill my place at work, but there I was! Working, in expense of those that didn't get it. Not to mention the capitalistic system that I support with my money from the superficial products that I bought, not sure who were the underpaid labor, but I wouldn't be as comfortable as I am now if I were to nitpick every single person or other living beings who suffers because of my choices to keep myself entertained. Even on being born: I was once that one sperm that has got into the egg first, and letting those other millions died in vain.
And isn't that what selfish is?
(Ok, I am not going to argue about semantics, I'm not sure if 'selfish' is cut for it, but it's either that or other words I don't know or word that I have to made up and I am not Shakespeare so I am using the word selfish just for the sake of this argument, whatever)
Denying that one is selfish--not even realizing how THOSE seemingly 'normal' things as things that benefit you in expense of other's suffering--is pretty conceited, I think.
So just! Understand! That you're doing things for YOUR reasons! Stop thinking that you're in something for some noble cause and that it will give noble consequences, because it is your noble cause and your noble consequences. Not everyone is benefitted from that. Not everyone thinks it's noble. Even 'greater good' itself is a selfish thought. Just because you think it's good or nice or whatever doesn't mean it is. (It will also lead to why you won't please everyone. Not always because you're wrong or bad, but simply because you just can't)
Please just accept that you're doing things for yourself. Just accept it. Just accept that there are some people that mattered to you. Accept that there are values you want to keep. Accept that you do not want to be hurt. Accept that there is no one that cares about what you care about like you do. Accept that the world really does not revolve around you, and only you do.
Because once people accept it, I think they will understand how easy it is for anyone to be kind or nasty. (Mostly nasty.) How easy it is for anyone to be horrible, and how easy it is for THEM to be horrible. It will be easy to understand what it takes for one to be able to live in a certain way. You will understand what drives you and you will realize that there are privileges available for you--things that enable you to have selfish thoughts or do selfish things.
Accepting it won't stop you (or me) from being selfish, since we can't help it. But it certainly will make you more aware of how you can be horrible to others. If you're nice enough, maybe you can make it less horrible.
But you know, this can be just me wanting to make myself better for thinking that killing things for my own sake is ok.
p.s. I think my writing has gone bad. Or has my writing always been bad and it's just now that I am, uh, smart enough to notice it?
Anyway. Yeah.
I don't think many people realize that they are selfish, just because it's just natural to do certain things or because things they do benefitted others. Hmm. Interesting, but very annoying sometimes.
This is how I understand living, so feel free to disagree, but I think people have to be selfish to really understand what they want and what they got. They have to be selfish to be grateful.
Sometimes people tell me that wanting this and that is selfish. Wow, ok. So other earthly things I do is not selfish? Let me tell you, living is a struggle. You cannot even let yourself alive not in expense of others.
Take myself as an example.
I am feeding myself from taking millions of life. There is no count to how many farm animals that has been cut to keep myself alive for 22 years. And let see, how many trees has ended their life for the hundred thousand tissue I used for my runny nose? Not to mention those who died for the paper I used for exams or doodles, and for the sake of books that I enjoy reading. The seat that I have in school, I wonder who could have my seat if I were not there? A person who wants good education as much as I do, probably. Some other person can fill my place at work, but there I was! Working, in expense of those that didn't get it. Not to mention the capitalistic system that I support with my money from the superficial products that I bought, not sure who were the underpaid labor, but I wouldn't be as comfortable as I am now if I were to nitpick every single person or other living beings who suffers because of my choices to keep myself entertained. Even on being born: I was once that one sperm that has got into the egg first, and letting those other millions died in vain.
And isn't that what selfish is?
Denying that one is selfish--not even realizing how THOSE seemingly 'normal' things as things that benefit you in expense of other's suffering--is pretty conceited, I think.
So just! Understand! That you're doing things for YOUR reasons! Stop thinking that you're in something for some noble cause and that it will give noble consequences, because it is your noble cause and your noble consequences. Not everyone is benefitted from that. Not everyone thinks it's noble. Even 'greater good' itself is a selfish thought. Just because you think it's good or nice or whatever doesn't mean it is. (It will also lead to why you won't please everyone. Not always because you're wrong or bad, but simply because you just can't)
Please just accept that you're doing things for yourself. Just accept it. Just accept that there are some people that mattered to you. Accept that there are values you want to keep. Accept that you do not want to be hurt. Accept that there is no one that cares about what you care about like you do. Accept that the world really does not revolve around you, and only you do.
Because once people accept it, I think they will understand how easy it is for anyone to be kind or nasty. (Mostly nasty.) How easy it is for anyone to be horrible, and how easy it is for THEM to be horrible. It will be easy to understand what it takes for one to be able to live in a certain way. You will understand what drives you and you will realize that there are privileges available for you--things that enable you to have selfish thoughts or do selfish things.
Accepting it won't stop you (or me) from being selfish, since we can't help it. But it certainly will make you more aware of how you can be horrible to others. If you're nice enough, maybe you can make it less horrible.
But you know, this can be just me wanting to make myself better for thinking that killing things for my own sake is ok.
p.s. I think my writing has gone bad. Or has my writing always been bad and it's just now that I am, uh, smart enough to notice it?
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Parents and Children
Hi, blog.
Another mind dump, today. And see, I missed another month. I'm getting bad at this.
Anyway.
I find a lot of things shoved in my hands recently, and the things that I can think of is just "If my parents don't love me I can't imagine how horrible that would feel". "It must be sad if there is anyone who isn't loved by their parents." "If there's actually anything that every child should have is being loved by their parents." Something along those lines. I feel loved plenty of times, this time is no exception.
I think it's natural to love my parents, because they love me and they give me food and stuffs. They talk to me and listen to me. They play games with me and let me play with my friends too. They take care of me even when I don't ask them to. They make me feel special, even when I believe that nothing is. It's also natural that the more time you spend with someone or something, you get attached to them, and the thought of life without them makes you sad (I even feel sad thinking that I have to replace my laptop some day). In their case, I have live with them all my life until now, so of course I'd be pretty bummed if they're gone.
It's not "natural" because their DNAs are running in my blood or that I came out of my mother's womb. It's natural because they do things that make me happy and fulfilled. Things that are not easy because I think I will punch myself plenty of times if I were my own kid. Things that make me want them to love me more and to be happy too. They do a lot of things, that I keep things and do things in life just for their sake. When I was sick and helpless, hearing their voices alone makes me cry.
I don't know why my parents love me, but I like to think that I did things that makes loving me easier for them.
I believe that you don't really get people to love you because you're their whatever. In fact, it's a lot of work for some.
So I think it's normal if parents happen to not love their children.
And I think it's normal if children happen to not love their parents.
But with that saying, I still think that unloved children is probably one of the most miserable creatures in the world. Some people just don't deserve children. People has to stop forcing children to be born, because if they are not prepared to love them, they are creating persons that are bound to be miserable for some time.
Stop creating miserable little persons. Love your child, if you can. If you cannot, at least be nice. Or don't make them, at all.
This is coming from a child loved by her parents, and cannot imagine her world in any other way.
Another mind dump, today. And see, I missed another month. I'm getting bad at this.
Anyway.
I find a lot of things shoved in my hands recently, and the things that I can think of is just "If my parents don't love me I can't imagine how horrible that would feel". "It must be sad if there is anyone who isn't loved by their parents." "If there's actually anything that every child should have is being loved by their parents." Something along those lines. I feel loved plenty of times, this time is no exception.
I think it's natural to love my parents, because they love me and they give me food and stuffs. They talk to me and listen to me. They play games with me and let me play with my friends too. They take care of me even when I don't ask them to. They make me feel special, even when I believe that nothing is. It's also natural that the more time you spend with someone or something, you get attached to them, and the thought of life without them makes you sad (I even feel sad thinking that I have to replace my laptop some day). In their case, I have live with them all my life until now, so of course I'd be pretty bummed if they're gone.
It's not "natural" because their DNAs are running in my blood or that I came out of my mother's womb. It's natural because they do things that make me happy and fulfilled. Things that are not easy because I think I will punch myself plenty of times if I were my own kid. Things that make me want them to love me more and to be happy too. They do a lot of things, that I keep things and do things in life just for their sake. When I was sick and helpless, hearing their voices alone makes me cry.
I don't know why my parents love me, but I like to think that I did things that makes loving me easier for them.
I believe that you don't really get people to love you because you're their whatever. In fact, it's a lot of work for some.
So I think it's normal if parents happen to not love their children.
And I think it's normal if children happen to not love their parents.
But with that saying, I still think that unloved children is probably one of the most miserable creatures in the world. Some people just don't deserve children. People has to stop forcing children to be born, because if they are not prepared to love them, they are creating persons that are bound to be miserable for some time.
Stop creating miserable little persons. Love your child, if you can. If you cannot, at least be nice. Or don't make them, at all.
This is coming from a child loved by her parents, and cannot imagine her world in any other way.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Urges
I want to confess.
I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.
So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.
Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)
I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.
But I didn't.
Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.
It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.
But most of the time,
I just didn't.
Now.
I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.
I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)
But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.
Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?
For example.
If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?
It's really confusing.
I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.
So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.
Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)
I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.
But I didn't.
Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.
It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.
But most of the time,
I just didn't.
Now.
I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.
I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)
But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.
Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?
For example.
If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?
It's really confusing.
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