Feeling Artsy

Hello guys! Just so you know, I'm not tired just yet of having a holiday. Classes are due in two weeks and I wish it was longer than that. And it was started sometime in early weeks of January, too; ...and I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing or why am I mentioning that in the first place.

It's not like that I have a lot of things in mind for a holiday, mind you. I do absolutely almost nothing besides things people consider unproductive. Or at least that's what I think. And yet, I don't want this holiday to end. I suppose my laziness has came to reach this particular level where I don't wanna go to school for maybe for ever. Or class, now that I'm in college.

Not for.. ever, but hey, forever is a pretty long time, and I don't wanna go to school*cough* class for a pretty long time (as I put it), so I thought forever'll make it short. I guess not, seeing how I explain it just now.

But! It's been a long time since I draw something (since I don't use books anymore, means my 'doodling in the back of the book in class' is pretty much nonexistent) so now that I still got plenty of time being lazy, I should, right? And I did! But I think my drawing skills (if I had any) is getting dull. And dull-er.

I sort of aced the class (a runner up! I guess) in drawing a lot of things in a big paper with blunt pencil, back when I was in drawing class, which is a year ago; and I realized what's my forte in drawing. My drawing is not really pretty, or anatomically correct; it's rough and the outlines are hard and every time I'm done my hands are dirty because of the pencil. But I drew it fast. Back in my class I was the fastest, that's why I could come up with a lot of objects to put in my paper, that's why my paper was full and 'black' and... back then it mattered a lot.

But for someone who draws, I don't have any particular style or ways of drawing. I'd say I'm well-rounded (not just in drawing. In a lot of things as well) but that means there's nothing stands out in my drawing (or any other thing). The idea was so-so, lines are not perfect, gestures, expression, its complexity or simplicity, nothing stands out very much. Just.. well. That. I don't think one could differ my original drawing with others because, well, it's not that original.

But that won't stop me from drawing, of course! I might not devoted all my time in drawing or some sort, but hey, maybe someday I'll get a hold of it! And maybe someday I can draw something or some idea that is only mine, and people will know so!

For now, I'll just settle with trying and experimenting ways of drawing or something. The idea'll catch up! Eventually, I hope.

Speaking of drawing, I drew something this morning! A typical.. uh. Anime-styled drawing, since I haven't draw much of it for some time. Drawing people's faces and the state of a crowded sidewalk is.. not really my thing. Maybe some other time!

But for now, I'm not going to post it as a whole picture! Hahaha. Maybe next time! Now I present to you, a window of a soul!

Nah, not really.

Of Thoughts of People.

Hi there! I’m writing this on Ms word at the moment, because I’m not connected to the internet and I just have this urge to write, even though I don’t know what it is.

You know, I had that urge at a lot of times. Sometimes I’m like, ‘Okay! I’ll write it!’ and then I write it on my blog and post it. Sometimes I let it in drafts, most of them never been posted until I erase it for good, and sometimes I just let it slide because I think it’s not important enough, sort of cliché (while most of mine IS cliché) or just... doesn’t matter and then forget about it.

But well. I think I go with curhat session this time. I don’t think it’ll be posted but well. I’m alone writing in ms word so why stop? Hahaha.

I’m getting a hold of myself, thinking about particular person... or people. Sometimes thinking about particular person makes me feel weird; there are mixed feelings, like, sometimes excitement, happy, disturbed, frustrating, and the list go on. And sometimes it’s just not fun for me, you know? Because I have things I want to think about and those particular people won’t leave me and my thoughts alone. The thing is, I know how bad it’ll turn out if I just let it slide, so whenever the thought of those particular people cross my mind, I stop whatever I’m thinking about so I could just think about them, so... maybe my mind will be satisfied and let me think about something else.

If there are any thoughts I don’t like to have, it’s thoughts about people. Or person. Or particular person or particular people. I don’t know, I just do.

I like to think about ideas and... uh. I think just ideas. Ideas and random thoughts that is not-so-people-oriented-or-any-creature-in-particular. It’s fun, it’s free, it’s... just... I can think about anything and everything and I won’t feel bad for thinking about it.

It’s different when I’m thinking about particular person or people. Sometimes I think about nice things they did, or bad things they did; what they have or didn’t have; their opinions; their looks; their words; something like that. Sometimes I want to hug them, sometimes I miss them; sometimes I want to kick them in the face or maybe shut their mouth for good forever... or something like that.

And after that thoughts, although as I said they caused mixed feelings, most of it are feelings of... guilt. Or sadness. Because when I think about people, I usually ended up judging them and I don’t know them enough to... think so. I just, you know. It’s useless for thinking about people because no matter what you think, they are they and you can’t change that. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad and you just have to deal with it and thinking about it won’t make any difference. And thinking about them won’t change the reality, as things are over and there are things going on right now, so yeah. Pretty useless, if you ask me.

And it makes me uneasy, to think that maybe, when I miss this particular person, she or he might not feel the same, or maybe when I explained something to them, they just can’t see it my way and they don’t understand (maybe they don’t even try to), and I think I’ll blame them for being stupid. Sometimes I’m excited, thinking about them makes me happy, happy of times we shared and all, but... train of thoughts never really stay away from bad track and maybe I’ll be sad because it’s over or something.

See? Like that. That’s why I don’t like thinking about people or a person in particular. Eventually, they’ll give you headache and they usually breed a lot of baby thoughts about other people (sometimes ideas but mostly people) and there you go. But! Sometimes thoughts aren’t always about things we have to think about or want to think about. Sometimes it just crosses our minds and we have no choice but to think about it. That’s why it sort of frustrates me from time to time, and right now, I’m trying to get a hold of myself for real (putting up with it and ignoring it when the times over ain’t nice I guess; it means I just don’t learn). I’m saving my thoughts so I don’t waste it on little matters (like those particular people or person), in case in the future there’s this particular person or people that have to be on my mind 24/7 because they’re just... very, very, important.

Thoughts about ideas are fun, even though articles about ideas I love to read are limited hahaha. And my ideas aren’t really special and don’t really give any particular impact, but hey! At least they don’t get me mixed feelings. What’s more fun is thoughts about stories, because the unreal-ness (or the ‘too good to be true’-ness or the ‘whatever you’re searching in a story’ that sometimes real but just happen to be not ours at the moment) is exactly an entertainment for when the boredom of the so-called real life strikes. That’s why people that are fun are people who see life as if it’s a story (which it is) and wrap it up nicely so others can see or/and laugh or/and inspired by it.

My this year resolution!

..I guess.

Hahaha.

I've always thought.. urhm scratch that. I thought that resolutions are trash (for me!), because I'm not the kind of person who follows things I've said or written or planned, Idk if it's because I'm too young for this or if that's just me in general and for forever, so yeah, it doesn't really make any difference whether I make one or not.

For example. I have this book that I planned to be my no. 1 source of my random thoughts written. But it failed. It's hard to keep track of what's in your mind and it's hard for me to commit on writing every time things weird or nice or whatever cross my mind so there. I think I'll turn this book into 'quotes I made and stole that would be nice to be on script or so I thought'. And I had wanted to change my writing style. Look where it got me. OH. And I had written what I wanna be in the future, around this time but a year ago, in my blog, and.. here I am. I still think it's.. appealing, but Idk! I just.. I change my mind a lot! And I'm proud of it! We'll just see what the future has in its sleeve hehehehehe.

So! When it comes to something like this, like planning or foreseeing or predicting or whatever, I suck! Well.. not for some cases but I'm just not the kind of.. 'Journal' and 'Dear, Diary..' or something like that. Wait. Is it relevant? Because I think it still is.. but.. do you guys get it? No? Too bad, I'm going to continue anyway.

But why now? If I know that I'm not meant for this thing (sort of..) why do I do this? BECAUSE! I think I'm doing a different kind of resolution than what people usually do.

You see, instead of making a list of something 'I want to have but don't at the moment' or 'I want to do but didn't.. until now', I'm going to list things I want to keep doing or having, or things I want to stay for for...ever or things I already have and want more!

...Is that different kind of resolution or is it the same? According to its definition I don't think it's different, then again, I don't really pay attention to this kind of thing so Idk. But yeah! That's what I'll do!

Without further ado, this is my resolutions!

1. To be nice.

2. Important people around me feel loved. At least by me.

3. To be happy.

4. To love.

5. To smile.

Every other things can come and go, but I think these are enough job for me to do at least for a year if not forever. I want to see if I do this right, and even if I don't, at least I tried to! That's what counts, right?

So yeah. Happy another year! I don't mind for me to change, because both never and forever are a very long time, so I don't mind changing! Or else I'll be bored. But!! There are things I want to stay and keep because it makes a good enough me until now so why not for a very long time?

But we'll see.

p.s. That awkward moment when 'without further ado' is a further ado itself.

Questions and Whatnots

Hi guys! Miss me?

No? Oh.

Have you ever realized that I've often sounded like there's anyone out there, reading this blog and therefore use a conversational-like sentences in the opening of a writing?

Have you ever realized that I've often written rhetorical question with no relation whatsoever to the context I suppose to deliver?

Have you ever wonder?

No? Not that I mind, no, not at all.

I'm always flattered when people ask me something... that is actually a question, when they have others to ask to. I try my best to give a decent reply, but sometimes.. I can't.

Because.

You see guys, I'm not much of a critic. Yes, I criticize things a lot, but that's when they cross in my line of sight (or life. Or work. Or maybe something else). And when it happens so, that's when I have a certain thought about that certain things, and that's when I tried to find the answer for whatever questions popped up because of it.

For other things.. not really. (I think it's called Apathy, but you can never be too sure)

Yes! I believe every single thing exists and happens for a reason, which reason I know some and some aren't; and I don't mind for not knowing some. Not just because (sometimes) I just can't bring myself to care, but also because what good would I brought if I know so?

Some questions aren't made to be answered; maybe just not now, but maybe not ever. Who knows. I think what made questions exist is the process of getting the answer, not the answer itself! Because sometimes, realizations are there when you're trying to find an answer, not in the answer itself.

To be fair, I would love to think that it's just an excuse for me because sometimes I just don't care and I'm too lazy to think about a matter or two.

But what's wrong with that?