I'm Trying and I Think I'm Failing

I'm trying, so hard, to be good. Okay scratch that. To maintain my goodness. I think. Yeah.

I've become terrible in a way, in which I have no fear of being late at class, that I don't feel like ditching class is a big deal anymore. I've lost a motivation to know things that are fun to know, I've lost the need to study. And then I'd be tired and complain how tired I was.

My mind has turned into pile of dump. My thoughts are terrible. They have become terrible. So terrible I'm ashamed of myself.

It's hard to fix myself because I'm too weak for that, I know. So I tried to maintain what is left but it's so hard when it seems everything is pushing me to know things that I don't want to know. To let me experience stuffs I don't want to experience. To throw reality at my face.

I then come to think if it's the price I have to pay in terms of growing up. I cannot unsee things that are bad just because I don't want to be bad. I cannot live in a bubble of mine where everything is nice and pretty and smells wonderful. I cannot narrow down my mind into things that I want to think about because there are stuffs I want to consider even when I don't want to. That there are times where I have no choice but to stand on a place in oppose to others, even when I hate that.

But I want to be good despite everything and I want to be genuine despite everything.

I just lost the line of being pathetic and being good.