In the effort of trying to write more

It's been quite a long time since I have a particular reflection regarding just learnings I have in life generally. I should have something, no? And I kinda did, there are a few things I'd like to write down but never actually force myself to do it but now that I am, I am not sure which one I want to explore first.

One is a theory about how I think, there are people that I like to the point of no return (and perhaps this is not just a me thing but a human thing, we'll see if that's the case.

Or about the idea of friendships, because I like them (my friends) quite a lot but I have many many different post about friendship over the years, no? There's always new stuff to discover I guess! But there's that.

And then there's this thing about getting older--I am not sure what this was anymore actually, it's in my notes--but I've also talked about me being 31 and not dead yet in my other social media and maybe that's kind of that.

I miss just having a thought and then, just proceed to write it down to the blog just because. I was so talkative in social media and my blog before, I used to share things, post things too, like a footprint on the internet one way or another. In recent years I kinda still used my twitter to share my excitement about the boys I watch play, but even that I no longer do. What does that says about anything? Does it say things about my life? Like I am busy or something. But not really. I am still online most of the time and it's not like I don't appreciate things I know about my friends because of online posts (even if I still have a hard time keeping up with these post lol). Not sure why I don't do it too. I kinda want to do it too. But I don't. Isn't that a bit dummy?

Perhaps I think too much about what to post, too scared of being perceived, too lazy to just have a record or a memory of things that happened because I take most things for granted. Or all of them combined? Maybe. 

Now that I think about it, maybe I value being mysterious? Hahaha. I think there's also this believe that I kept in touch with most of my friends, I don't think there's need for me to share it online since the people that needs to know already know (from me!). But that's not entirely true, because even my good friends didn't know that I marry until my other friends who know wonder if they know. The truth is that I am also not that good at keeping people updated with what's going on in my life.

Which probably leads to the biggest, probably most problematic factor of all possible reasons why I don't post, or write stuff: I have been lulled by the peaceful normalcy that I don't bother to immortalize it in one way or another. My dearest friends and sister maintain journals, and I thought that's great! I tried doing it, even for just about the workout I did that particular day or the game that I finished. But even then I suck at it lol. 

I think it's good in a way that it signifies little to no conflict internally (i.e with myself) and externally (i.e with my loved ones or like generally with people) so there's nothing that kept me up at night that I want to reflect and share. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing since there's always something to observe, or something to ponder, or something to critique about the daily happenings--not just a life-changing event but a pattern, a thought, a habit, or anything really--if only I sit down with it and think about them. 

That just rarely happen anymore hahaha. I think I should change it. Let's try if I could try and sit down and talked about the stuff I said I could talk about earlier. Even if not, I know deep in my heart that it's possible to write about anything. But we'll see! Now is just... well just a rant first. 

A good exercise I think! It's really been a while since I rant, since it's now just so easy to rely on the tech/AI to craft words over your thoughts instead of coming up with it yourself. I'll probably write about this later--how recent technological development should be perceived and whatnot (not gonna be an academic essay though just a thought like I've always been doing--why do I bother with this disclaimer also a mystery to me hahaha).

Anyway! A bit of a thing that also makes me kinda want to go back to writing again. I had a conversation with a friend, and it reminded me about two things that I have written in this blog: the idea of initiating conversation and scars and lessons. I think, the past rani who are able to write her thoughts about this as articulately as possible, have helped the present rani perceiving the same things that happened to other people. 

I want to be useful again, to rani in the future. Help her navigate the things she'd encounter again since I've been living for quite a while already, so most likely I've had some experience and thoughts about that. If I can write it, she will remember it, and she didn't have to think about them from scratch anymore. 

Just like how past rani did.

With that said, we'll see!

See you in the next post!

Somewhat Reflections of 2024

 2024 was finally the first year that I didn't write anything in the blog.

My 13 years streak was broken. Hahaha. But that's alright. Come to think of it, this blog almost as old as some Gen Zs I am friends with. By the time they were babies, I wrote stuff about my high school life. 

Anyway. There's no excuse for not writing, I guess. I think I found that in recent years, I don't stop or try to write anything and just entertain myself when I have free time.

...Wait.

That's not right.

So I guess I have written some things last year, just in different forms... or different purpose I guess.

But to get on with the title, here are some 2024 things I wish my future self would remember:

1) I watched concerts again

In fact, I watched 2 concerts. IU and Eric Chou, both with Terry. Both I enjoy a lot. Everyone was seated in that concert, and it was fun. Both are karaoke-fest. It was nice. 

IU concert is a cute one, because it gives me a new friend.

2) I have a new friend!

I didn't really expect it. But I made a friend, and I love her very much. She is like a little sister--which I don't think I have ever had a friend who felt like a little sister. Mostly because for the most part, I AM the little sister (lol) or like they're just my homies. Anyway. She's a really sweet young lady, who have a lot of dreams and a very warm personality. Also have a very kind heart. She would speak of her days in the most joyous ways and perceive things in a positive manner. Every time I imagine her voice when reading her writing, I wish I could hug her.

She have a lot of hobbies and is happy to share her thoughts and days to people. We write emails--I feel like it seems like it's somewhat a thing in some of my friendships--and she would asked me so many curious things that I have taken for granted. I have forgotten how to write in the most yappiest way possible--and in 2024, that was rebirthed into a 5000 word essays I sent to her as an email reply. 

I think that's a bit funny.

3) I am now strong(er)!

In the last couple of years I try to be healthier by working out more regularly and I think 2024 on average had been a good year in that sense. Whilst the peak of my gym life is only the first couple of months, I have now the knowledge of proper work out posture, how to use different kinds of machines knowing its specific purposes, and I feel like I have less buncit stomach (somewhat). But most importantly, I am stronger! I have less physical pain (i.e on my hand, my arms, my back) and I am usually already asleep by 12 (can be better, but good enough!). I tried better lifestyle but none of them stick yet so we'll see but I like the progress last year, it's apparent that my body is already better at doing physical activity. I think it's cool.

4) I still don't have horse

And that's ok! I spent time with horse the first time almost 10 years ago (2015) and at that moment, I thought something along the lines of "In ten years time, I want to have horses". I misremember and I thought that was 2014--so actually, my 10 years is this year. But I think it's ok if I don't get to have horses yet. I wish there's a place for them in my future, but I am happy enough that I got chances to be close to them, even in isolated and limited amount of time. Let's see what the future holds for me and this dream of mine :D

5) I get myself some insurances!

This is not only a 2024 thing, is also on 2025. So other than life insurance I also have funeral insurance now! I am ready more than ever to die and be at peace my loved ones should not need to worry about at least material and the troublesome aspect of my death. They can mourn without being too busy! I am happy with this prospect!!

6) I am employed and I am married and I am happy!

Last year was the first year of my employment I am grateful for it :D It was also the second year of my marriage and it was better than how my first year went! Overall, life has treated me kindly, and I am blessed with companionship, love and work that does not make me want to die all the time. 

7) I had my first major operation ever and it went well!

I had some cysts removed and I am glad it's quick and covered by insurance! I am blessed with so many things that's visible and invisible, it's impossible to list down everything.  

8) I didn't finished as much games this year, but I have more love to share

I get into lolesports and instead of spending my nights finishing games I find fun I just watch people play games! And I enjoy it very much!! I come to love and admire people in the scene and I want to support them with my money (and I somewhat am). I am happy that I come to love something a lot again. I wish there's a more productive hobby for me but I also think it's already so amazing that I can find a new found happiness from seeing someone succeed or being really good at what they do. Isn't that so cool? 

Maybe that's all so far. I think... if I could let myself stay a bit longer to think and write, I can say a lot more. But right now, I am in the intersection where I don't know if I should read or play games, but if I read I have so many things to read and which one to read and if I play I can play so many games and I also don't know which one to play. I will read or play something and I think I would still rather do that than write longer (for now!). So, it's not that writing does not make me happy, just that there are other things that makes me happy too! And I am not writing because I am also doing happy things, that's nice. So I will stop here. Just because, well. I will let 2024 the only year void of my writing, this year is different!

One of my bestest friend said she missed me writing. I missed it too! Like many things I do for my loved ones, I would be happy to deliver.

The first writing this year is for her. She might read or not read it, but I will write more for her (and me!). I want to continue reading and thinking and pouring it out to something that's mine again. Hehe.