My take on life (Determinism and Free Will maybe)

Preface

Ok so, recently I have a quite heated discussion on the idea of free will. The thing is that, for as long as I can remember, I don't believe in free will. When I try to explain to my husband why I don't believe in it--in a way that I believe all things are all determined, that everything is just an echo or consequences of things that precedes it, I felt my explanation is just so so bad. Like I wasn't able to present my case in a structured, logical, nor convincing way, because I just take it for granted.

I am so baffled at my incompetence. It's true that I am rusty at this, and I am not the most eloquent person in the world. But this singular idea of the world--life--being determined already is an important one for me. So I should have done better.

By the end of that discussion, of course we just left it at that, but I couldn't leave it at that.

'I must have written it,' I thought. I must have written it in my blog, because, this value of being deterministic, literally breeds most of other convictions that I have in my life, so I must have written this in my blog. Someway, somehow.

The thing is that, I am correct, but I am also wrong. I am correct, in a way that I did write it. A poor draft that I know is not sufficient nor satisfying at the time but I just need to get it out there--but I did write it. What I am wrong about, is that I that I thought it would be older (because my crisis of faith, asking my peers around about "if God is omniscient then why is the world the way it is?" as an obsessive survey happened in early days of my high school) and I thought it would be more elaborate (because!! If it's not because of this thing that internalize my whole life, then I would not be the person I am today.)

I did write different stuff, and I know in variety of ways, I always implied this believe of mine. Similar to implying how I am waiting for my death to come, but in less dramatic way, most of the time.

With that said, I realize that there is a need for me to make an attempt of elaborating this in a way that I could easily share to other people, including my loved ones, who didn't get the luxury of growing up together with me spewing deterministic nonsense.

The idea of Determinism that I believe

When I say that I am "deterministic", or "I don't believe in free will", what does that mean? I think it is just the standard dictionary meaning, where I believe that all events in the universe is the way it is because it is set up the way it is. If the start of the universe is the big bang, then whatever happens after big bang is inevitably happen because of big bang. Things happen because the thing that precedes it happen, and it is nothing to do with how human "perceives" it, or how they "wills" it. 

To put it simply, I believe that the universe and the time where we experience it in linear manner is a series of cause and consequences, from which there is no coincidence or miracles, just different factors colliding in a precise timing, precise way, that it presents itself to you. With all of your limited knowledge or senses, you have no perfect information on how things came to be. You might think that things that happen to you is something that you earn, gain, deny, or fight for. But, they are truthfully never once be in "your control". Because, what you perceive you control is also a byproduct of causes and consequences that becomes causes and consequences that leads to where you are.

With that said, when I say that I don't believe in free will, I don't mean that human beings don't have freedom of thoughts or feelings or believe (though I also suggest that it's influenced strongly by all these things you have no control over) but I don't believe that things happen because you do or don't do something about it. Whatever you do, or don't, it does not matter. Things that will happen, happen. For you, for every single entity in the universe. That's not on you.

But, what you think, what you feel, or how you create meanings of this world--that's still on you. You are greatly influenced by everything in the world that already precedes your existence, and surrounds your existence for the rest of your life--to which none of them you have control over--but you still, have the capability to think, feel, create meanings for or against it, possibly in ways that are just unique to you.

Does that make sense?   

Why do I even subscribe to this idea?

I think it makes sense logically and physically that the universe is just the way it is. But spiritually, it also brings me comfort that the way things happen are supposed to happen, and that I am helpless to it outside of the way I perceive it. The way I perceive things might of course, as mentioned, influenced by how I am raised, where I live, whom I meet, all different random scenarios in the world that I have no control over but still contribute to the way I am. 

It also probably helps that I was introduced to Islam as religion before I come to learn about the concept of determinism itself. I did have my doubts since it SEEMS like being omniscient and gracious is a bit of an oxymoron in a world that is full of evil and injustice. But I think believing that there is an higher being out there, who purposefully created this world and loves me, in a way God loves its creations, that kinda brings peace for me. I don't know how God loves its creations, of course. But, however it is, isn't it nice that I am loved, and that there is purpose for me (and all of its creations) and that we will fulfill that purpose, and that the universe is just that stage? We just need to play our part. Nothing that I do matters because, well, the world is already decided and built and it just seems that there are "choices" and "events" because we experience it linearly.

The history of all humankind--no, the whole universe, might already start and ended. We are just a being created to experience things within this concept of time, so we thought that there are "possibilities" when there is only existence. It just exist. 

It oddly gives me a feeling of... ironically, freedom. I don't "matter". Nothing "matters". I just need to live and serves the purpose that have been given to me. Only God knows what that is.

But this whole idea seems like a good thing to me.

Then what is the point of punishment? Are there even moral responsibility? Can anyone truly be "evil" since everything is determined?

I think what needs to be highlighted here is that: value, believe, morals--these are all made up. These are all socially constructed. It does not interfere with the deterministic nature of the physical reality. There are no good or bad except inside the minds of those who thinks.

But does that mean that these values, believes, morals--are all meaningless? 

No.

The human ability to perceive and assign meaning, in the world that has none, is a gift that bestowed upon us.

It is a privilege, and it is what makes us human. So it makes sense that what want what we believe is right to be "upheld", and what is evil to be "eradicated", because those are also consequences of having the sensibility of a human being. But that does not erase that the fact of what had happened, is happening, or what will happen is merely the fruit of causes that has little to no control from you. Not because what you believe, nor your values, or what the world believe or values--it is there, it exist, it happens/ed, irregardless of what you make a meaning of it. You might be the part of that thing happening. You might have feelings or thoughts about it. But truly? That does not matter.

You can infer, think, feel, and those are all "made up". You make it up. And that's ok! The fact that we are puppets that perceive reality differently than what is intended for us should not be scary.

In a world that is meaningless, you create your own. Actions you "take" that you think are coming from your "will", is merely an illusion from your ability to assign meaning.

And it might be depressing to some, but I find it beautiful.

Then what's the point of trying? How is it fair that we are punished or rewarded when things are "just the way it is"?

This is where I find that it's really convenient to believe in something else, in addition to this thing that I believe in. Hahaha. But before that, you might notice something.

From earlier passage you can also infer that I also don't believe in inherent meaning of the world and isn't that contradictory to which I mentioned that believe on being created purposefully by God? That inconsistencies should be a hole to argument, no?  

Hehe. I don't think so. This is perhaps where I demonstrate the meta. 

What I believe is the actual state of the universe is that: it is deterministic, and it is inherently meaningless. 

What I believe makes life worth it: is that you make your own meaning.

The meaning that I give to it: is that actually, things are determined by a higher being, who loves and cares about me, and that whilst the physical reality does not care about what is going on inside my heart and my head, there is an entity that does.

With that said, I am open to the possibility that I can be wrong, about God. And that's fine! That's faith. It is the idea that's around and I subscribe to it because I can. Who knows if the physical reality is inherently deterministic? Who can prove that "free will" exist? Why should our ability to think defines our humanity? There is no definite answers to philosophical questions, your believe about the universe is a collection of your experience and thoughts and perhaps also those who come before you, and I am here making dots for the picture that makes sense to me, and for it to make sense to me, God must exist. So I believe in God. As simple as that.

(Though perhaps it is not just a matter that it make sense to me, but also how it brings me comfort and peace, but semantics lol)

I am not saying that we shouldn't care about rules or justice or whatever other values we upheld as modern society just because things "are the way it is". It does matter how things came to be, for us, because we are not omniscient, and it should be our duty to ourselves--something that we owe to ourselves--that we strive for the things that we value: that we deemed are good for us. As a person, as a part of community, as a part of ecosystem.

We don't know what will happen because we are such limited creature, with limited wisdom and limited ways to experience the world; limited sense and limited time. When we never know an outcome for certain, then what should be done? Shouldn't we see it to ourselves? Do the best we can in the world? What is success and failure, if not a condition we assign meaning to, when in grand scheme of things, it breeds a new reality that might be better or worse for us? We don't "know" anything. Yet we know that it is only because of certain cause that certain consequences can happen. Shouldn't we increase our chances of getting the "reality" that we want, by investing in the causes that we know and can act on? 

Not because it would be physical guarantee for that reality to happen. But for the benefit of ourselves, since we know that we wouldn't be there if we don't try. We don't know if our "effort" are gonna pay off or not, but we do know if we do something about it or not.

So TLDR, yes, I think there is merit in trying. Because I feel like "trying" is really just what life is about. Not for the sake of anything tangible, but your own thoughts and feeling.

So perhaps when you die your would dissolve to nothingness, just like how things are intended. I would like to believe that the part that is not physical about us is sent for judgement, and then instead of looking at you through the worldly achievements that you manage to get, you would be seen through the sincerity of your efforts, your intention, your grit and consideration, and many invisible things that might or might not have anything to do with how live works, but it's what makes you YOU. On the inside.

I think there are a lot of different things that Islam counts as good deeds or bad, and a lot of them requires you to do something. But I like that this religion allows me to believe that sometimes I wouldn't be able to do good things that I want to do, and that's ok. Apparently, my intent and my effort counts too. That's cool.

Closing

So I think when I run through my brain on what I believe, this is what I got. I think, there might be school of thoughts that encapsulate some of the ideas that I mention, and the labels that I use here instead is not accurate. Maybe one reads this and thinks "that's not determinism" or "that's not what free will is" or "I don't think Islam works like that" or "This is more nihilistic than anything else". Not sure. I am open that I am "wrong"--that the definition of the things I shared here is interpreted differently than what is intended. That's fair. But I think my goal here is to explain what is it that I believe, rather than explaining what a certain concept or a believe is.

And that is all!

Cheers!

想 Mitton

Since I need to work from office, I got to walk from and to the small park near the apartment. Every morning and afternoon to and from my commute to the office, I will meet cats in that park.

There are at least 15 cats I meet. Many kinds. They're all cutie pies. Sweet girls and boys. They're stray, but they get to be fed by nice ladies every morning and afternoon (sometimes I meet them too mid feeding) and that's nice. Some of them are really friendly and greet me, probably hoping I get them something. I don't, most of the time. But it was nice.

Last night I dreamt that Mitton was around. But he become sick and I remembered that he died. I wonder if I should've told the doctor that he used to die before he get to be around again, and that could've prevented him from getting sick (and die again). 

I think I miss him. I no longer cry at the mere thought of him anymore but I miss him all the time. There's no ghost of him in the kitties I greet but I still miss him.

'Miss' is such a weird word, though. It's not incorrect, I guess. In English language this feeling of longing, the feeling that you want something to be with you but not--miss. A word that you would also use when you passed by the chance that you want to take, a word that you would use when there's something that you want to catch but cannot. It's such a weird word for me to use, because it's not... really like that. Like yes I miss him, but the other meaning that "missing" are associated with that do not settle well with me.

In Indonesia, kangen, rindu--kinda nice because I am not sure if there's an equvalent in that within the language. It's superior in a way? Like those words encapsulate just that one singular feeling. But if anything, I would like to think that 想 is a closest word that could also help describe it. It's such a funny word, like it means you think of it, you want it, you miss it--it's rich with all the adjective that I would describe for what I feel for him. 想. 我想他. 

I also love him. I love him before I understand what love is. I probably still doesn't but I love him when I am even more clueless about what love is than now.

Always, all the time.

I miss you.

In the effort of trying to write more

It's been quite a long time since I have a particular reflection regarding just learnings I have in life generally. I should have something, no? And I kinda did, there are a few things I'd like to write down but never actually force myself to do it but now that I am, I am not sure which one I want to explore first.

One is a theory about how I think, there are people that I like to the point of no return (and perhaps this is not just a me thing but a human thing, we'll see if that's the case.

Or about the idea of friendships, because I like them (my friends) quite a lot but I have many many different post about friendship over the years, no? There's always new stuff to discover I guess! But there's that.

And then there's this thing about getting older--I am not sure what this was anymore actually, it's in my notes--but I've also talked about me being 31 and not dead yet in my other social media and maybe that's kind of that.

I miss just having a thought and then, just proceed to write it down to the blog just because. I was so talkative in social media and my blog before, I used to share things, post things too, like a footprint on the internet one way or another. In recent years I kinda still used my twitter to share my excitement about the boys I watch play, but even that I no longer do. What does that says about anything? Does it say things about my life? Like I am busy or something. But not really. I am still online most of the time and it's not like I don't appreciate things I know about my friends because of online posts (even if I still have a hard time keeping up with these post lol). Not sure why I don't do it too. I kinda want to do it too. But I don't. Isn't that a bit dummy?

Perhaps I think too much about what to post, too scared of being perceived, too lazy to just have a record or a memory of things that happened because I take most things for granted. Or all of them combined? Maybe. 

Now that I think about it, maybe I value being mysterious? Hahaha. I think there's also this believe that I kept in touch with most of my friends, I don't think there's need for me to share it online since the people that needs to know already know (from me!). But that's not entirely true, because even my good friends didn't know that I marry until my other friends who know wonder if they know. The truth is that I am also not that good at keeping people updated with what's going on in my life.

Which probably leads to the biggest, probably most problematic factor of all possible reasons why I don't post, or write stuff: I have been lulled by the peaceful normalcy that I don't bother to immortalize it in one way or another. My dearest friends and sister maintain journals, and I thought that's great! I tried doing it, even for just about the workout I did that particular day or the game that I finished. But even then I suck at it lol. 

I think it's good in a way that it signifies little to no conflict internally (i.e with myself) and externally (i.e with my loved ones or like generally with people) so there's nothing that kept me up at night that I want to reflect and share. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing since there's always something to observe, or something to ponder, or something to critique about the daily happenings--not just a life-changing event but a pattern, a thought, a habit, or anything really--if only I sit down with it and think about them. 

That just rarely happen anymore hahaha. I think I should change it. Let's try if I could try and sit down and talked about the stuff I said I could talk about earlier. Even if not, I know deep in my heart that it's possible to write about anything. But we'll see! Now is just... well just a rant first. 

A good exercise I think! It's really been a while since I rant, since it's now just so easy to rely on the tech/AI to craft words over your thoughts instead of coming up with it yourself. I'll probably write about this later--how recent technological development should be perceived and whatnot (not gonna be an academic essay though just a thought like I've always been doing--why do I bother with this disclaimer also a mystery to me hahaha).

Anyway! A bit of a thing that also makes me kinda want to go back to writing again. I had a conversation with a friend, and it reminded me about two things that I have written in this blog: the idea of initiating conversation and scars and lessons. I think, the past rani who are able to write her thoughts about this as articulately as possible, have helped the present rani perceiving the same things that happened to other people. 

I want to be useful again, to rani in the future. Help her navigate the things she'd encounter again since I've been living for quite a while already, so most likely I've had some experience and thoughts about that. If I can write it, she will remember it, and she didn't have to think about them from scratch anymore. 

Just like how past rani did.

With that said, we'll see!

See you in the next post!

Somewhat Reflections of 2024

 2024 was finally the first year that I didn't write anything in the blog.

My 13 years streak was broken. Hahaha. But that's alright. Come to think of it, this blog almost as old as some Gen Zs I am friends with. By the time they were babies, I wrote stuff about my high school life. 

Anyway. There's no excuse for not writing, I guess. I think I found that in recent years, I don't stop or try to write anything and just entertain myself when I have free time.

...Wait.

That's not right.

So I guess I have written some things last year, just in different forms... or different purpose I guess.

But to get on with the title, here are some 2024 things I wish my future self would remember:

1) I watched concerts again

In fact, I watched 2 concerts. IU and Eric Chou, both with Terry. Both I enjoy a lot. Everyone was seated in that concert, and it was fun. Both are karaoke-fest. It was nice. 

IU concert is a cute one, because it gives me a new friend.

2) I have a new friend!

I didn't really expect it. But I made a friend, and I love her very much. She is like a little sister--which I don't think I have ever had a friend who felt like a little sister. Mostly because for the most part, I AM the little sister (lol) or like they're just my homies. Anyway. She's a really sweet young lady, who have a lot of dreams and a very warm personality. Also have a very kind heart. She would speak of her days in the most joyous ways and perceive things in a positive manner. Every time I imagine her voice when reading her writing, I wish I could hug her.

She have a lot of hobbies and is happy to share her thoughts and days to people. We write emails--I feel like it seems like it's somewhat a thing in some of my friendships--and she would asked me so many curious things that I have taken for granted. I have forgotten how to write in the most yappiest way possible--and in 2024, that was rebirthed into a 5000 word essays I sent to her as an email reply. 

I think that's a bit funny.

3) I am now strong(er)!

In the last couple of years I try to be healthier by working out more regularly and I think 2024 on average had been a good year in that sense. Whilst the peak of my gym life is only the first couple of months, I have now the knowledge of proper work out posture, how to use different kinds of machines knowing its specific purposes, and I feel like I have less buncit stomach (somewhat). But most importantly, I am stronger! I have less physical pain (i.e on my hand, my arms, my back) and I am usually already asleep by 12 (can be better, but good enough!). I tried better lifestyle but none of them stick yet so we'll see but I like the progress last year, it's apparent that my body is already better at doing physical activity. I think it's cool.

4) I still don't have horse

And that's ok! I spent time with horse the first time almost 10 years ago (2015) and at that moment, I thought something along the lines of "In ten years time, I want to have horses". I misremember and I thought that was 2014--so actually, my 10 years is this year. But I think it's ok if I don't get to have horses yet. I wish there's a place for them in my future, but I am happy enough that I got chances to be close to them, even in isolated and limited amount of time. Let's see what the future holds for me and this dream of mine :D

5) I get myself some insurances!

This is not only a 2024 thing, is also on 2025. So other than life insurance I also have funeral insurance now! I am ready more than ever to die and be at peace my loved ones should not need to worry about at least material and the troublesome aspect of my death. They can mourn without being too busy! I am happy with this prospect!!

6) I am employed and I am married and I am happy!

Last year was the first year of my employment I am grateful for it :D It was also the second year of my marriage and it was better than how my first year went! Overall, life has treated me kindly, and I am blessed with companionship, love and work that does not make me want to die all the time. 

7) I had my first major operation ever and it went well!

I had some cysts removed and I am glad it's quick and covered by insurance! I am blessed with so many things that's visible and invisible, it's impossible to list down everything.  

8) I didn't finished as much games this year, but I have more love to share

I get into lolesports and instead of spending my nights finishing games I find fun I just watch people play games! And I enjoy it very much!! I come to love and admire people in the scene and I want to support them with my money (and I somewhat am). I am happy that I come to love something a lot again. I wish there's a more productive hobby for me but I also think it's already so amazing that I can find a new found happiness from seeing someone succeed or being really good at what they do. Isn't that so cool? 

Maybe that's all so far. I think... if I could let myself stay a bit longer to think and write, I can say a lot more. But right now, I am in the intersection where I don't know if I should read or play games, but if I read I have so many things to read and which one to read and if I play I can play so many games and I also don't know which one to play. I will read or play something and I think I would still rather do that than write longer (for now!). So, it's not that writing does not make me happy, just that there are other things that makes me happy too! And I am not writing because I am also doing happy things, that's nice. So I will stop here. Just because, well. I will let 2024 the only year void of my writing, this year is different!

One of my bestest friend said she missed me writing. I missed it too! Like many things I do for my loved ones, I would be happy to deliver.

The first writing this year is for her. She might read or not read it, but I will write more for her (and me!). I want to continue reading and thinking and pouring it out to something that's mine again. Hehe.