Something stolen. Kinda.

Hi again everyone! After some awkward attempts of changing my writing style (with its lack of consistency and all that. As ever), I wanna write something where I don't have to think whether people get what I meant or not. In a way or another, I'm sure you couldn't careless of why I write this way, so I'll go on.

Have you ever feel that something is stolen from you, when it's not even yours in the first place? Well, sometimes it's not even something that can be owned. But it's just, like, stolen. from you.

Have you?

I certainly have. In fact, I experienced it quite a lot.

You know, like the time when a person suddenly brag about your favorite author/artist and how she/he loves them so much to other people's faces, when you know that author/artist since forever and never bring them up because, no one cares right? And then people suddenly intrigued and lalala they suddenly adore your favorite author a few days later? Or you know a really good book since the moment it was available in stores and then a few years later it booms like crazy and suddenly it's so popular everybody talks about it? Or when you keep a faith over something/some group/some people when others don't, and when that something/group/person finally succeed, others will start cheering when you had always felt like the only one who believes?

I did. Sigh. And I'm not very proud of it.

Sometimes, the feeling of something just have been stolen from me was accompanied with irritation, jealousy and, and.. annoyed. Like, I WAS FIRST. Or I KNOW IT LONG BEFORE YOU DID. Or THEY/SHE/HE'S MINE! Sometimes it came to the point where I feel like they have no right to like them/her/him or cheer for them/her/him or somesort because, because.. well. Just because.

I always feel bad afterwards. "What a bad fan I am." sort of thoughts. I mean, if they're popular, or their works are loved by a lot of people, or more people support their efforts, why wouldn't I be happy? I should, right? That's a good thing! If I loved them so much as I state in my mind, then, of course I'd be happy if it makes them/her/him happy or that thing I love becomes popular, yeah?

But I didn't, ladies and gentlemen. No matter what I thought. Maybe I don't love them as much as I thought I am, after all..

Well, I've grown used to it, and I don't really mind anymore, thinking that it's something mundane, and I've grown to be happy for their/his/her/its popularity, but I know that it was something that can't get off so easily. Maybe I just like to feel special; liking them or owning them myself, me and only me. And if people like them or own them too, it should be because of me or they should have reasons and feelings just like me, not some shallow 'go with the flow' something-something like that.

What a selfish and honest thought of mine.

But yeah. It's a thought from a past. Although I'm sure it's bound to cross my mind again, some time in the future or I don't know, some time in the present or something. Though I'm also sure it won't be as long and as intense it was before because things are less in every way when you know about it. Except love. You'll love something more when you know you do, but other than that, I don't think so. CMIIW tho.

I liked a lot of things, I discovered a lot of things and sometimes I didn't share them because of the fear that I'm not going to be special anymore. Maybe. Or maybe I would share them because I want people to know that I am first, I know them more, I love them a lot. Maybe. Well, I make up those ones just now, but maybe they're right and those're exactly my motives when I did that, I don't know. Sometimes we thought things we do are impulsive, when they're actually set by our minds and our evil subconsciousness all along. Which I thought was the most honest part of you; because even heart can be misleading.

But yeah, I'm not proud of that because it means that I didn't love them/she/he or appreciated an object as much as I thought and I prefer to be special rather than to be happy of their popularity; but I'm glad I felt all of that because I know how to let go and be happy for it now that I know my own feelings.

And it helps me grow up! Having ill feelings are also a way to be a good person, I guess. Not that I have become a good person. Or have I? Haha.