knowing self

Why alien?

I don't think I'm weird, or freak. I choose alien because, because, I can't find a picture of myself among people. Among things. I don't really understand what I am. Not because I think I don't belong in this world, no. I choose alien because no one really understand what they are, or are they even exist. Something.. foreign. Outlandish. Or.. different. Yeah. Different.

I took a personality test because of ta'lim this morning. Mmm. The web says, I'm 47% Extraverted and 53% Introverted, 47% Sensing and 53% Intuition, 79% Thinking and 21% Feeling, 16% Judging and 84% Perceiving. Even though the difference is only 6%, I'm still an introverted person! I'm surprised. But but but in the same page, they said that my interpersonal intelligence are the most dominant! Interpersonal intelligence is for those extroverted (or extraverted or something) person right? Am I that bad at being myself?? My personality and my multiple-intelligence (or so it says) doesn't even match!

Oh. I am a bad person. Bad. Really bad. I'm a total liar. Really. I'm not nice, a worrywart, and mean to others. I'm egoist and I don't even think that was bad at all. I hate dichotomy and always mixed up things, but I don't know how I do accept dualism. Hypocrite. I don't even like hypocrites. And no I'm not nice. Even though I want to be one and try to, I'm not a nice person. Yet. I'm easy to fool, but I'm not easy to persuade. Credulous person I am, but also suspicious.

I'm starting to afraid if things I'd done was something I made up so people will think nicely of me. I hope not. Because I hate that. I hate when people judge me because of what I did or what I said partially also. I won't blame them if they don't understand, because I don't even understand myself. Or at least that's how I believe it is.

I think complicatedly, but I never thought of what I'm thinking. That's why I always simplify things by ignoring them, or to be blunt, run away.

I have tons of opinions about myself, mypresentself, but that is mere opinion. I'm a labile adolescence with sprinkle of idealism and faith and a contaminated mind on top, mind you.