picture dump!

Hi GUYS! Long time no blog! :D Or is it?

Now, I know that you guys miss my writing.... (NOT) but I don't intend to "write" here! I'm updating for the sake of telling some people this blog is not dead yet! (It's only 3 weeks, duh.) But oh well!

I still have so much things to do in my to-do list. But doing it without procrastinating just a bit is not really fun, so for the sake of babying myself and preventing me from dying out of stress (sort of) I'm going to post an old work!

If you can't see it clearly, move your screen to a certain angle.

I'm thinking about being productive! And I'm thinking about... oh wait. I have a lot of things to do for the week. Hm.

And for the sake of ending this post like no other, here's a pic of a foot!

I'm thinking about drawing people's faces for real some time in the future... drawing docents' faces in the back of my book is getting old.

p.s. The foot model was my sister. But she has no label on her toe, no, that's just for kicks.

It Mattered.

Uh. Hi there guys.

It's late, like usual. My muse (or maybe the lack of consciousness to reread my writing) only works at night therefore.. things (trash) and whatever comes up as a post at night. Usually.

No philosophy, thesis, opinion or the sort today. Whatever.

You know guys, about my resolution?

It's sort of hard.

I mean.

Being happy and smile and love others is.. not so hard. Hard sometimes, but it's something you bound to do, you know? I just need to maintain it (well duh, said it in the post) and there. To be nice.. I'm trying.

But this part is hard. To make people around me feel loved.

Sigh.

I want to make people around me, especially those who were very dear to me, to know that they're loved. Because I feel really loved right now, and most of the time, but nobody ask and I want them to feel so too because it's wonderful.

And it's saddening me when they don't.

I am no psychic, and I can't read thoughts as well as feelings; I can only guess.

When something is off, something is.. not what most people prefer to be, the only thing I know of that can make people feel better is knowing that they're loved. Despite those. Despite the hardships.

Despite everything.

I feel better when I notice so. I figured they will too.

But I don't know.

It's not as easy as I think it is. Sigh.

But I'm trying.

Why I'm a Theist

Hi there! It's not long before my last post, but what the heck I'll post it anyway! :D You see, today I was.. hm. How do I put this in english. I was in a routine sort-of-discussion/sharing about my religion with a mentor and some of my friends. And boy it was enlightening.

Now, I doubt this will come up in google if any people search for something related to the concept of faith and lack there of, so here I go.

I don't know how to put this, but I guess, for me, it's started with this question:

Do you need a reason to have a faith? To believe, or in this case, to be a theist?

To have faith, I don't think people need a reason. Well, you could; go ahead, no one's stopping. But maybe sometimes you don't have to know what it is. Now, just let that question aside, because as a matter of fact, I don't know the reason I'm a theist in the first place other than I was born in the family of a theist (like most people), but I do have a reason why I keep the faith until now.

Now to elaborate that... Hm where do I start, huh?

I think the first reason why I keep the faith is because, as much as I know from living until now; as much as I understand one or two things I learnt, it happened to be explained in our Holy Book already. Or.. rather than 'explained', let just say that what I think is right or not through knowledge is not contrary to what I got from the religion.

So yeah. So far, with the knowledge I have until now, I never met one that is contrary to what it says. To put it simply, my knowledge don't give me a reason to why I should not keep the faith.

I don't take one or two parts of the Holy Book and then try to proof whether it's true or not, because; aren't you too proud to think that you have enough knowledge to do so? Of course, I'm sure that there's a time where you can proof it, the time when you really do have enough knowledge to do so, but it's not always right now.

So, what I do is: see and do what I think is right, and see if it matches with what it says in the Book.

So far, it does.

It makes sense.

To hell things I read in the Book and didn't get, because I only care and know that much. And the fact that I don't get them doesn't make it definitely WRONG or NOT SCIENTIFIC. Because logic and ratio evolve throughout the years, just like no one will believe that people will fly with a giant metal if you say so in 1200.

But for things that I know IS true. Nothing is contradictory. So far. Because if it's so, I probably has written it on my blog.

The second reason is... less logic and more sentimental... because I'm happy! Having a religion makes me happy! I mean, there's a lot of things to be happy about, but I'm happy to have a God, I guess. Mmm maybe the exact reason is, religion gave me purpose. A purpose beyond what's stated and crossed people's minds. A purpose that, as I believe, that came from a Holy Existence. And I'm happy. I have a religion and I'm happy so why shouldn't I have a religion?

Weird right, but as you see, it is pretty unexplainable, you know. The feeling.

I just realized this after a friend mentioned it, but here goes: at times when I do something that is required in my religion, or things I suppose to do according to my religion... it makes me.. calm, uh. Happy. Like! Like a feeling when you're doing a good thing! That heartwarming sort of feeling. And that happens vice versa, if I neglected them or do things that is forbidden in my religion, I feel a weight or guilt and etc.

I mean, I understand that happens because of inner suggestion or an awareness because we 'believe' of the consequence, but... I don't know. Maybe it is! But hey, I'm comfortable and happy with that, so why not?

And.. another reason is... huh well. Because it's scary, to not believe. Because I believe of a.. Force, an Existence that is so great you can't see it, so kind you're alive and happy; I'm not worried. I don't get scared. I'm happy. I'm content. Because I believe that living will be worth it, I believe everything happens for the best because there's this perfect Existence organize every single thing. And there you go.

Believing is a wonderful thing for me. Of course there are things in my religion that I think... honestly, is a nuisance, SOMETIMES. But as I said, I believe, therefore I also believe it'll be worth it and it's the best to do so. Maybe as I understand more, it will also be a wonderful thing ever happened rather than a nuisance.

But well. I guess in short, I think the reason I keep the religion is because I don't have the reason not to. If you have one; one that can not be objected, I might as well consider to not believe, I guess.

On the side note, I have no problem with atheists; as much as I have a choice to believe, they have a choice to not to, I guess.

But for me, proof of the existence or (lack there of, whatever) of God can not be compare with unicorn or any mythical being.

p.s. not very proud of this. But It'll do. For now. Oh, and here's a pic:

Feeling Artsy

Hello guys! Just so you know, I'm not tired just yet of having a holiday. Classes are due in two weeks and I wish it was longer than that. And it was started sometime in early weeks of January, too; ...and I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing or why am I mentioning that in the first place.

It's not like that I have a lot of things in mind for a holiday, mind you. I do absolutely almost nothing besides things people consider unproductive. Or at least that's what I think. And yet, I don't want this holiday to end. I suppose my laziness has came to reach this particular level where I don't wanna go to school for maybe for ever. Or class, now that I'm in college.

Not for.. ever, but hey, forever is a pretty long time, and I don't wanna go to school*cough* class for a pretty long time (as I put it), so I thought forever'll make it short. I guess not, seeing how I explain it just now.

But! It's been a long time since I draw something (since I don't use books anymore, means my 'doodling in the back of the book in class' is pretty much nonexistent) so now that I still got plenty of time being lazy, I should, right? And I did! But I think my drawing skills (if I had any) is getting dull. And dull-er.

I sort of aced the class (a runner up! I guess) in drawing a lot of things in a big paper with blunt pencil, back when I was in drawing class, which is a year ago; and I realized what's my forte in drawing. My drawing is not really pretty, or anatomically correct; it's rough and the outlines are hard and every time I'm done my hands are dirty because of the pencil. But I drew it fast. Back in my class I was the fastest, that's why I could come up with a lot of objects to put in my paper, that's why my paper was full and 'black' and... back then it mattered a lot.

But for someone who draws, I don't have any particular style or ways of drawing. I'd say I'm well-rounded (not just in drawing. In a lot of things as well) but that means there's nothing stands out in my drawing (or any other thing). The idea was so-so, lines are not perfect, gestures, expression, its complexity or simplicity, nothing stands out very much. Just.. well. That. I don't think one could differ my original drawing with others because, well, it's not that original.

But that won't stop me from drawing, of course! I might not devoted all my time in drawing or some sort, but hey, maybe someday I'll get a hold of it! And maybe someday I can draw something or some idea that is only mine, and people will know so!

For now, I'll just settle with trying and experimenting ways of drawing or something. The idea'll catch up! Eventually, I hope.

Speaking of drawing, I drew something this morning! A typical.. uh. Anime-styled drawing, since I haven't draw much of it for some time. Drawing people's faces and the state of a crowded sidewalk is.. not really my thing. Maybe some other time!

But for now, I'm not going to post it as a whole picture! Hahaha. Maybe next time! Now I present to you, a window of a soul!

Nah, not really.

Of Thoughts of People.

Hi there! I’m writing this on Ms word at the moment, because I’m not connected to the internet and I just have this urge to write, even though I don’t know what it is.

You know, I had that urge at a lot of times. Sometimes I’m like, ‘Okay! I’ll write it!’ and then I write it on my blog and post it. Sometimes I let it in drafts, most of them never been posted until I erase it for good, and sometimes I just let it slide because I think it’s not important enough, sort of cliché (while most of mine IS cliché) or just... doesn’t matter and then forget about it.

But well. I think I go with curhat session this time. I don’t think it’ll be posted but well. I’m alone writing in ms word so why stop? Hahaha.

I’m getting a hold of myself, thinking about particular person... or people. Sometimes thinking about particular person makes me feel weird; there are mixed feelings, like, sometimes excitement, happy, disturbed, frustrating, and the list go on. And sometimes it’s just not fun for me, you know? Because I have things I want to think about and those particular people won’t leave me and my thoughts alone. The thing is, I know how bad it’ll turn out if I just let it slide, so whenever the thought of those particular people cross my mind, I stop whatever I’m thinking about so I could just think about them, so... maybe my mind will be satisfied and let me think about something else.

If there are any thoughts I don’t like to have, it’s thoughts about people. Or person. Or particular person or particular people. I don’t know, I just do.

I like to think about ideas and... uh. I think just ideas. Ideas and random thoughts that is not-so-people-oriented-or-any-creature-in-particular. It’s fun, it’s free, it’s... just... I can think about anything and everything and I won’t feel bad for thinking about it.

It’s different when I’m thinking about particular person or people. Sometimes I think about nice things they did, or bad things they did; what they have or didn’t have; their opinions; their looks; their words; something like that. Sometimes I want to hug them, sometimes I miss them; sometimes I want to kick them in the face or maybe shut their mouth for good forever... or something like that.

And after that thoughts, although as I said they caused mixed feelings, most of it are feelings of... guilt. Or sadness. Because when I think about people, I usually ended up judging them and I don’t know them enough to... think so. I just, you know. It’s useless for thinking about people because no matter what you think, they are they and you can’t change that. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad and you just have to deal with it and thinking about it won’t make any difference. And thinking about them won’t change the reality, as things are over and there are things going on right now, so yeah. Pretty useless, if you ask me.

And it makes me uneasy, to think that maybe, when I miss this particular person, she or he might not feel the same, or maybe when I explained something to them, they just can’t see it my way and they don’t understand (maybe they don’t even try to), and I think I’ll blame them for being stupid. Sometimes I’m excited, thinking about them makes me happy, happy of times we shared and all, but... train of thoughts never really stay away from bad track and maybe I’ll be sad because it’s over or something.

See? Like that. That’s why I don’t like thinking about people or a person in particular. Eventually, they’ll give you headache and they usually breed a lot of baby thoughts about other people (sometimes ideas but mostly people) and there you go. But! Sometimes thoughts aren’t always about things we have to think about or want to think about. Sometimes it just crosses our minds and we have no choice but to think about it. That’s why it sort of frustrates me from time to time, and right now, I’m trying to get a hold of myself for real (putting up with it and ignoring it when the times over ain’t nice I guess; it means I just don’t learn). I’m saving my thoughts so I don’t waste it on little matters (like those particular people or person), in case in the future there’s this particular person or people that have to be on my mind 24/7 because they’re just... very, very, important.

Thoughts about ideas are fun, even though articles about ideas I love to read are limited hahaha. And my ideas aren’t really special and don’t really give any particular impact, but hey! At least they don’t get me mixed feelings. What’s more fun is thoughts about stories, because the unreal-ness (or the ‘too good to be true’-ness or the ‘whatever you’re searching in a story’ that sometimes real but just happen to be not ours at the moment) is exactly an entertainment for when the boredom of the so-called real life strikes. That’s why people that are fun are people who see life as if it’s a story (which it is) and wrap it up nicely so others can see or/and laugh or/and inspired by it.