Go, Democracy!

Hallo! It hasn't been a while since my last post (so happy!) but you know, when I go back through my drafts (the four latest posts are all drafts that has been in archive for months or years or something) I remember that I didn't feel like posting them because I don't think they are worth posting at the time. I thought they were silly.

I see that it only needs time to see that some of it aren't.

And you know, now that I read my posts, I realized that... when I talked about stuffs that aren't life updates, I mostly talked about stuffs that are immaterial, am I not? Even more so, I personally think that I like to talk about the idea of self--the idea of emotions, feelings, attitudes, perceptions, blahblahblah. Things that some people deemed as unimportant.

I guess I write that sort of stuff because those things are what's important for me. Because those things bug me when they're left unwritten. But just like me, there are people who think their thoughts about politics or society are important so that's what they write. On the other hand, movies or writings or fictions in general are important and worth archiving for some other people. Or anything really. I know that some other people like talking or thinking about gender equality, or animal rights, or porn, or other whatevs and some people don't. Some people like other stuff better.

But that's not a big deal right? It's not like one is better than the other...

Or is it?
Is any of those preference better than the other?


I don't think so. It doesn't make any of them worse or better--just different.

Is different a bad thing?
Supposedly, no.


But I see that a lot of people think otherwise. There are people that think if it's impractical or "abstract" or "just" a form of expression then it sucks--philosophers and writers and artists are mere lazybums who talk and do stupid stuff but don't do anything important for society, they say. But when it's practical then it sucks too--engineers and politicians and whatnot are focusing on things that are artificial and unimportant, what's important it's what inside and what makes human human, they say. When it's reviewing stuffs it sucks too--blahblahblah you criticizing stuffs, just try when you make one on your own!

But sadly, differences aren't just exists in what people prefer to write.


We people are the same: we are all different. I believe that there is no single person that share the same physical features, and set of minds, and field of experience, and also views over everything.

And tell me...

..who in the world has the right--has the capacity--to judge one of which are better or "more important" than the other?





(Apparently, majority does.)

Moving On

You see, moving on is not about forgetting what's keeping you. It's to get rid of ill feelings that attached to it. So if you had a boyfriend and want to move on, you don't forget about him. You lose feelings you associate with him--feelings that shouldn't be there anymore. If you had a bad grade and you want to move on, you don't burn them down. You get rid of the grief and sadness and do better next time. If you were left behind and you want to move on, you don't erase traces of them.

I do too.

I am not forgetting, okay? I won't.

Moving on is not about not keeping pictures anymore, nor not telling stories about stuffs you want to move on from. It's not about pretending that nothing has changed either because things changed and it will always change--it's inevitable.

Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad.
Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it.

And moving on has nothing to do with replacing things with other things. Or replacing people with other people.

Places in heart are special and they don't take second guests. There are no places in heart that are reserved for two (or three. Or four.). Once it's there then it's there forever. Fortunately, heart is a very vast place and it will always make room for new things and new people.



So move on.

Don't try to replace things because it's not going to work. And don't try to take up someone else's space in one's heart because they were never for you.

You got your own.
(That is, if you ever get it one's heart, but yeah.)

Because No One Really Wants To Be Alone "Alone"

Heyho everyone! I have a pretty hectic week recently, and sure there'll be more to come but yeah days are pretty hectic. It's just a week, or so, since I made my last post but since then I already have, what, a lot of to-do's on the list. Or not, since they're all've been crossed (proud). And I realized something!

To have someone you can depend on is a very wonderful thing.

..I wrote that correctly, right?

You see. Most people I know like to do their job.. alone. Individually. With a very reasonable and very understandable reasons, of course.

So that I can do whatever I like in my own pace, they say. So that I don't have to seek others approval to make an action, they say. So that I don't need to arrange meetings to settle whatever, they say.

As you see and as I put it, even though people enjoy having authority over their own job, people need... People need. Ugh. People need something, to depend on. Wait that's wrong.

I mean, that's right but putting it like that won't explain anything.

People need.. something to believe. People need to know that they won't mess things up, to know that there's something worth after all the trouble, to know that there are reasons not to die even if they messed up.

People need to know and remember, but sometime along the way, people usually forget.

They need reminders and sometimes it's a person.



(Or a cat)

Dealing with People Who are Pretty Annoying

I hate it when I happen to be angry or annoyed at anyone, because, well. It's unpleasant. I don't like it. I'm not easily annoyed or angry, but when I do, I don't like it.

But, years having to deal with that, I learned to ease it (or erase it altogether), so I don't feel annoyed or angry anymore! And that's what I'm going to share here. This is what I do when shrugging things off doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe it'll help you too! Well. That, if you need one.

When it happens with people I don't know; (rarely happens) I usually try to curse them in my mind, but then I thought about me being cursed by things I did. I shuddered at the thought. So I change my mind and try to curse their parents instead (for they brought this kid to the world and they suck at educating them). And then I feel sorry for them because maybe it's not their fault after all; maybe these people are bad by nature and their parents had tried their best to make them good but to no avail. A sad thought, but hey! I don't feel angry or annoyed anymore. 

When it happens with people I know, but not close to; (pretty often; usually trivial things but annoying anyway) I always think that I'm not being fair; that I think so because I don't know them well enough. That I'm annoyed because it was them who did it and it would be different if people that are close to me did the same. And I'll imagine so; imagine that the said action were done by people close to me. And then I'd thought, "Hey, what they did wasn't so bad after all". I won't feel angry or annoyed anymore.

When it happens with people I'm close to; (happens a lot, and usually because of pretty big and sensitive things) I try to imagine that they will die tomorrow. I try to imagine what life would be if they weren't here anymore. Usually I'd regret having the said anger or annoyance in the first place, that I love them too much to be bothered by those little things that make me angry or whatever. So yeah.

If those doesn't work, there are two alternatives (in which I very rarely did) I have in sleeve. And these two applies to every category I've mentioned.

First alternative, I tried to imagine that they will have a very gruesome and graphic death just in a blink of an eye, a punishment by God and a counter-attack by universe--a very awful death--one that makes me feel bad for them and instead of anger, I feel pity. 

Or, I would remind myself that I'm going to die sooner or later, that they actually don't matter but for a while. Nothing to be worked up about.

And voila!

I'm not angry or annoyed anymore!

Pretty simple right? I actually had a lot of thoughts to distract me from being annoyed or angry, but these are things that, well. I think will work for most people :] Or is it?

I'm Trying and I Think I'm Failing

I'm trying, so hard, to be good. Okay scratch that. To maintain my goodness. I think. Yeah.

I've become terrible in a way, in which I have no fear of being late at class, that I don't feel like ditching class is a big deal anymore. I've lost a motivation to know things that are fun to know, I've lost the need to study. And then I'd be tired and complain how tired I was.

My mind has turned into pile of dump. My thoughts are terrible. They have become terrible. So terrible I'm ashamed of myself.

It's hard to fix myself because I'm too weak for that, I know. So I tried to maintain what is left but it's so hard when it seems everything is pushing me to know things that I don't want to know. To let me experience stuffs I don't want to experience. To throw reality at my face.

I then come to think if it's the price I have to pay in terms of growing up. I cannot unsee things that are bad just because I don't want to be bad. I cannot live in a bubble of mine where everything is nice and pretty and smells wonderful. I cannot narrow down my mind into things that I want to think about because there are stuffs I want to consider even when I don't want to. That there are times where I have no choice but to stand on a place in oppose to others, even when I hate that.

But I want to be good despite everything and I want to be genuine despite everything.

I just lost the line of being pathetic and being good. 

That's Selfish!

Halo!

Ah, it's been more or less a month since my previous post. I used to post stuff once a day, then once a week, now one in a month. I don't know if it's the lack of time, or maybe just the lack of stuffs that I can share. It's a given that our younger self thought that a lot of things--including thoughts and ideas--are fascinating, since most of those are probably their firsts... things that are "worthy" to post on their blog. Things they want to remember.

Ahem, anyway!

Something come to my mind recently. I've always been selfish. I've always been ignorant too, but mostly selfish. I do things I want to do and say what I want to say. People around me allow me to. And those who matters love me anyway. So I did. (I am spoiled like that)

These days I can't be too selfish on doing stuffs because there are things that I bound to do because it's an obligation or a job or something that I committed to do or there are others who are involved and depend on it too. So I do them even if I don't really like them, but that's not because I'm not selfish--because it's my responsibility.

But what I really want to point here is that I think being selfish is not bad. In fact, I expect people to be selfish. I expect them to only care about themselves and their loved ones. I mean, there are times that you're not doing things for your own benefits because there are things that you value more--like "giving things to people in need or people you care about" or maybe things like friendship or love or religion or concept of tolerance or other basic principle. But isn't keeping those values count as selfish too?

The thing is, I think people have the right to be selfish. More than that, to some extent I think that for whatever reason, every human action is naturally selfish. I don't think one can be blamed for putting themselves before anyone. Everyone is born different so as an individual with independent mind, heart, and body, of course they need to think of themselves--stand for their ideas, protect their principle, do what's important for them--before others. But that doesn't give them the right to be mean. That doesn't give them the right to cheat or steal or do whatever-things-evil.

That doesn't give anyone the right--the justification--to violate others' freedom. Or well being. Or stuffs. Or their whatevers.

Just because what others' have or do or want are in the way or contradict your personal interest, that doesn't mean that it justifies you taking it away from them as you're just being "selfish". No. That's you being mean. Being selfish means that everything you do or say or think based on or revolves around you and your interest and your principle and whatnots. Being selfish doesn't mean you can do or say or think everything because it's based on or revolves around you and your interest and your anything. That's just terrible.

In short, don't ever feel bad if you're selfish. Selfish is normal. Just like being angry. Angry is normal. But even if you're selfish--even if you're angry or pissed or feeling unreasonably annoyed beyond belief--you don't have the right to do stuffs that hurt other people. You don't have the right to be mean.

No one has the right to be mean!

So don't be mean. Don't be evil.

"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others." 

— Albert Camus

A Reminder.

Please don't let them be lonely.

Okay?

Kami

That's why you shouldn't.

This is probably redundant. I know I have posted this kind of writing as part of other posts before. But nonetheless, this should be written.

I am truly surrounded by wonderful people. They're lovely. They are so nice and kind and think so nicely of me, I'm scared.

I'm scared of how they are nice. Why they are nice and kind. They speak to me nicely. And listen to me. And talk to me. And smile at me. Sometimes they hug me too. What is it that I do to deserve this fortune? Is it because what I do? What did I do? Would they still be kind if I don't do so anymore? Will I meet people like them in the future? They are so nice and kind and it's like almost too good to be true--it's scary.

I'm scared of everything nice they think of me. As much as I'm flattered, I'm scared. Is it because I'm not my true self when I converse or interact with them, or is it because I just don't really understand myself? Am I really that worthy? Am I really that good? Is it really me that you're seeing? Or is it really me that have always been oblivious of what I am?

(You know, like one time when you think you said "A" and people around you heard that you said "B";  I can never figure out if they misheard or if I really said different things than what I intended.)

How could I not be happy.
How could I not be thankful.

How could I betray all these grace laid upon me.
(And they are just people; to think of tasty stuff I ate, exciting stories I read, magnificent ideas I encountered, fun things I did...)

Being sad or depressed, even for a minute, seems like a really spoiled act now isn't it?

Whining

Hello!

It's been a while since I posted something. 

Just now I realized something that I should've realized way before or maybe did but forgot anyway, I whined a lot. And that's pretty annoying, I mean, who would want to hear anyone whines all the time? Not my sister, or me, or I think anyone in general. I hated it yet now that I think about it, I did it a lot.

I have to stop whining. Maybe I too, should stop telling people little stories that just happened to me recently, or some trivial stuffs that come across my mind, or little part of dreams that I remembered, or things like why I like this over that, or random comments like how I think one's skin is so soft, or one's fingers are beautiful, or one's hand is so flabby or something like that.

Or maybe I just have to stop whining. Or maybe in addition to that some stuff I mentioned.

Anyway.

I think I whined a lot because I was weak. Maybe still am but I'm fixing that so just let me use that past tense 'kay. I was weak so I can't really tell the matter straight to the face of the core, or maybe because the core is myself and I stubbornly won't do anything to change that. Or maybe that's because I was lonely. Maybe that's one way that makes me convinced that there are people that actually care. If they listened then they should have, or so I thought. In reality, it's just a cruel cruel way my mind has to comfort me, because there are those who listened when they really don't care but in a way there are those who do care, but they don't need me to shove every little thing I can talk about to their sore ears. They have problems too, probably important, and I'm here telling them silly things they don't have to know or trivial matters that can be solve in a matter of minutes. But well, the latter is probably also another cruel way my mind has to comfort me. I mean, it's not mere possibility that no one cares.

In the end, whining is just useless. It proves nothing and it annoys people. That's why I'm stopping.

Habits die hard but well to have something good to grow something has to be omitted for its place. (If it makes me uncharacteristically quite later on, then that means all this time what came out of my mouth is mostly trash anyway so it's probably a good thing I'll learn to speak in quality.)

Other stuffs that I realized just now is that how I should handle stuffs that hurt me. I don't get hurt easily (which is a little bad because it makes it hard for me to empathize others who are actually hurt by it) and when the right people pushed the right buttons too, it hurts just for a while (sometimes only in minutes!) and you know what? I can never remember any that actually left scars in my heart.

It sounds so good and ideal and it was for me (or maybe it is) but that's just about it. Because it rarely happens and when it actually happens it happens only for a while, I just have no idea how to deal with it when it happens. Or when it happens to others. I don't know how to console myself except that I know that I won't mind (and I really won't, I told you it lasts only for a while) then how can I console others?

It also makes me realize how I don't really know what I'm doing or what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling when I'm treating anyone. I don't really know how do I put this but... now that I think about it, I really have no idea. I think that I do things like listening to others, commit to what I promised to others, being nice to other people and being pleasant and friendly are things I do sincerely but maybe, maybe, that might not be the case. I probably just don't think about it. You know? Just doing it because well, if not, then what? What else I should do? What I know is that being nice is nice and it makes me feel good and it makes others feel good so why shouldn't I do it? Something like that. (In the back of my mind I still mostly think that having no reason to not do it is already a reason to do an action, it seems.)

Maybe. I just don't know. I don't really question my actions. I'm probably lame, and I'm probably a kid, and it's going to be bad I just know this is going to be bad but isn't it weird that I question what media and society made me do yet I don't really care my personal motives of actions? 

Blatant lies, I probably know my personal motives are if I don't then how do I differ my actions from robotic meme of media/society, silly? But yeah maybe the motive itself is immensely vague or inconsistent or just, well, confusing. Maybe it's something that I don't have the guts to admit, or maybe it's something changing through every little events and lesson I've learned, or maybe it's something that haven't existed in its "complete" form--bunch of ideas and ideals that hasn't really connected because I'm too lazy to think of its connections. 

This, I swear.

I will stop being stupid.
I don't have the right to be mean but I have the right to be mad, and yell, and go away.

I will stop being stupid.
Never I'd compromised with downright disrespect and humiliation.

I will stop being stupid.
I won't let myself justified any bad manner I received which is not direct feedback of bad manner I have displayed.

I will stop being stupid.
It is time I know which is wisdom, kindness, and blatant stupidity.

I swear.
I swear I will.

(this is just a fangirl rant)

Halo! These days, I read books. I haven't read read books--excluding academic stuffs--for I don't know probably a year or so. I read more back in my high school days. Including comic books... and now that I mentioned it, I read a lot more fictions (novels, comics, fanfics) than I do these last 2 years in college. It's a good thing if what I read now revolves around stuffs that sort of matters (like journals, news, politics, critical theory, or something like that) but unfortunately it's not really the case. I just don't read as much, I think. But on the brighter note, compared to back then what I read now varied more that what I read then (but yeah mostly comics). 

Oh yeah sorry I digressed. So yeah I read books. One is because... I sort of curious (it was recommended by a stranger in omegle HAHA--in which turned out not very appealing to me) and the others were a series of books that I've PROMISED to read (I made a pact with a friend--which turned out to be fun and addicting). I still wanted to spend most of my money on comic books, and I still read a lot of webcomics. But I don't read fanfictions as much as I used to. 

"As much as I used to" is how much, exactly? For years, say, 9th grade until I graduated high school, I read fanfictions literally everyday. And it's not like it's one fanfic a night as well, it can be five to ten or more, if it's not chaptered. So like any other fangirls, I have read thousands upon thousands of fanfictions in my teenage life. I rarely read those anymore because a lot of factors, one of them that most of fanfictions are crappy (90% of everything is crud after all) and I don't have time to read crap nowadays. 

But talking about this makes me remember one of the best of fanfics I've read then. I have this fanfic author that I adore. And I can't believe it either, but every single fic that I've read written by her were brilliant. From what I remember, her stories are perfect, the plot is wonderful, very in character and the use of words are beautiful. The most important is that she moves me, and her fics gave me this tingling feelings that makes me happy. 

She was (still is) very special, because she writes fics for one of insignificant fandom out of my fandoms that are usually insignificant in general (I suck at choosing fandoms). So there's not much to choose from and I'm glad that in this insignificant fandom I have one brilliant source of fanfics; her. 

So for years, I look forward to read her fics and for her to update her stories. There's this one particular story that has been running from... I don't know, around 2002-2003 (because in 2003 she updated the ninth chapter). She's busy and she can't update regularly so... yeah. For years, since the time I found her and this particular fic, I've been looking forward to read her new updates. That's probably sometime in 2009. It's a bit tiring to wait for updates, because it updates, like, once a year. Sometimes more than a year. Sometimes I'm terrified if she's dead because I really want to know how the story will end.

But for I don't stop reading new stuffs, this fandom soon be temporary forgotten and I don't visit her site as regularly. Until just now.

Out of nowhere I suddenly remember her, and I check out her site. I suppose that I haven't visited it in like a year or so. 

I'm awed. It's been years since she started writing that fic and until now, it's still alive. What's surprising is that, for those years--even when she only updated once a year like I said--she keeps updating. She keeps writing. She still updates the fic that I've been following--waiting--for more than 3 years. The last time I read it probably 2 years ago, and... it's still alive.

I... don't know what to say.

You see, I've read enough fics that it isn't once or twice I found a really good dead fic; a fic that is discontinued for whatever reason, or a really good fic that's in hiatus for forever; might as well as dead. I usually feel sad and disappointed because, a lot of them actually really, really good. And has a lot of readers and comments so it's a shame to see it ended up dead. 

But this?

Her dedication to keep updating until now (even when I don't know if it'll be finished) moved me. Her commitment to actually finish what she's started is extraordinary. Mind you, this is fanfiction. This is a work of love, she's doing it for free and she has no real responsibility towards anyone to actually finish it. But she did it anyway. Be it a fruit of love, a gratitude for loyal readers, or just a mere self-integrity, it's awesome. She's awesome. 

I love you, Leareth. You're an inspiration. Keep writing.

I don't think this post is coherent, but I don't really care. I just have to write this. 

My "Confusing" List

I'm still confused about stuffs. Because I'm not good at being confused, I usually ended up ignoring stuffs I need to figure out. So I'd still be confused about stuffs and even if I do figure out some of those I'd be confused about some other stuffs.

But a mango tree will always be a mango tree. I... believe that. So I'm going to be patient and wait. It's infuriating and tiring but I'll wait.

Every other times it seems so stupid, that maybe I just have to search all over the place and I should have run for it. And it hurts a little bit to see that you're nowhere but here and not where you want to be. But I don't even know where I want to be. I don't even understand what it takes to leave.

So I'll wait.
Yeah, I probably should.

Maybe it's just not the time yet. Maybe it's just me haven't nourished enough stuff inside. Maybe it's because some aren't prepared yet--longed for me to stay. Or maybe because I have a new son to raise.


There is also good stuff that I'm confused about. Like how I met wonderful people and how my world isn't as cruel as others. How I am spoiled and rotten. But why? How? I don't really understand.


Other stuffs that confuses me is that even though I know everyone is different and have their own sliding scale of everything; why am I still offended, or hurt? Or sad. Or even mad. Why can't I just stop at disagreeing.

Why should it even matter. I guess the fact that I care for what I think I own--even abstract stuffs such as ideas or faith or thoughts--makes me think that it matters than it should. Maybe.

But I know it doesn't really matter and I am hurt--or offended, or sad, or mad--all the same. I guess we can never stop feeling even when we think we shouldn't. It's a wonder what really makes you you.


I'm confused as to why some people don't listen. Why some people don't talk. Why some people don't see--don't realize. I'm also confuse as to why I don't listen. Why I don't talk. And why I don't see.

Maybe it's because we are different that we pay attention to different stuff. Maybe because we are different that we need each other to complete what's missing.

Haha who am I kidding.

I'm also confused; why can't we be friends? Why can't everyone be friends? Why can't everything be friends?

Why is it have to be ruined by ego, greed, lust, or hunger. We are different but we are not that different; aren't we here to complete each other? Why can't we be friends while completing each other? It's not very hard. ...Isn't it?

One more thing. Sometimes I'm confused if I'm being nice or mean. I don't know if I'm a good enough person (I am working on it) but I think I am nice to people... But people wondering if I'm nice or mean (or being creepy) makes me confused if I really am nice or not.


But yeah. I'm not very good at being confused so we'll see if I still find these stuffs confusing some time in the future.



みんなみんな 生きているんだ 友達なんだ
Everyone, everyone. We're alive and we're all friends. 
- 手のひらを太陽に

A Widdle Wife Wubdates

Recently things get pretty hectic. I have to do lots of stuff--projects and presentation and paper; and it's not even finals. And don't get me started with finals.

Anyway!

Today I did something bad. I was dishonest. I lied. I feel terrible.
It's something that is not unusual around here--my friends did that a lot--but it was my first time and I did it in the most stupid fashion one could ever invented.

I probably feel terrible because of that; because I did it so stupidly stupid. Not to mention my hand was trembling so it failed so hard. I was scared. I felt pang in my heart.

So very terrible feeling.

I'm glad that it stays only for a little while (sort of), because if it doesn't I'd probably cracked.

In a way I thought that maybe I'm just not made to do this; that I'm super bad at these stuff. Maybe I'm a good person after all. And then I realized that maybe the reason I felt so awful was because I was scared of getting caught; not because what I did was an act of dishonesty.

I wish there will be a time like this no more.

I don't like it.

On a brighter note: two presentations that I did this week are wonderful, they're great, one get (possibly) the warmest response from my lecturer and the other got us a second place!

And on an even brighter note: I met a person I've been wanting to meet for.... I don't know. We met at the train on Monday and we met again today. We talk for, like, two hours. I miss talking with her. I miss her. The last time we talk for more than 20 minutes is probably 5 years ago. I miss her so bad. She doesn't really change that much; she's just better at what I think she's awesome at. I love it and I love her too. I hope she'll always be happy!

I still have a paper and presentation to work on, and 7 take-home tests right after. I hope it'll be over real soon.

Bye!

Time!

Oh my.

I'm sorry for leaving the blog like this, so somber and sad! My last posts are sad and discouraging, but really, for you to see in the future, life is not all that bad. (I'm just lazy to write anything in between)

I guess it's pretty good because you know, I can't stay happy all the time; for the most of the time yes, but all the time no. But like every time in life most of the time is okay, they're okay. Sometimes awesome, but sometimes pretty crappy too.

People said that by growing up we have less things to be happy about and to feel awesome about (I probably have stated so too.. I think) and it's probably true! Of course, when we are younger we know less stuff so a lot of new things so awesome but we grow into knowing there're better stuff, better people, people who are stupid and mean, evil corporations, manipulative media, and stuff like that. Moreover, there are more stuffs to be done and more activities people want you to join and more expectations for you to reach. So other than stuffs that make you think you're bad and not cool and you are surrounded by things and people who are intimidating in any way you can think of, you have less time to think about how lucky you are to have this or that or how easy life is for you compared to some people or that nothing actually mattered.

And that is most of my problem.

I have less time to think about things that makes me happy and warm inside. I have less to be thankful (as stupid as it sounds). It's not like it takes a lot of time or anything, it's just... well. It seems like a lot of things are present for me to think about so sometimes I forgot to take a break and a deep breath (not to mention that most of that stuff doesn't really matter to me). And thus life seems like it's become harder and meaner than it was before and I can't stay happy as much as I used to.

But it doesn't have to be like that!

The truth is there is always a time, and there'll always be enough time! I just have to be better at sorting things to do or think so life doesn't feel like it has become more.... not fun.

Hmm. It will probably be easier if I realized what is it that I'm passionate about so, you know, the sorting part is much simpler.

But meh! This will do at the moment.

I know

"You never know what you got until it's gone."

I always assume that it hurts a lot when things that have always been there with you gone, without you realizing how much it means to you the whole time.

Guess what.

It hurts a lot more when you DO know what you got, this whole time, and then it's gone.

Just like my good umbrella that I lost at school last year.
Or the best kitty in the world that has gone last February.

And it turns out that knowing it'll gone anytime don't help. The knowledge that you'll be left behind doesn't console anything. It won't change that your heart will be broken all the same.

So.

You never know what you got until it's gone---no you don't. You always know what you got. You just think you would never lost it. Or forgot that it would eventually gone.

But even if you remember...
It doesn't change the fact that you might get sad a little,
or depressed a little,
or cries a little (or a lot),
when it happens.


And that's not so bad.

Given the right amount of time, everything heals.
Because you have a lifetime to heal, and even if you don't,

nothing here will hurt after death.

Bouncing back

Why hello again! After last month pretty depressing post and un-depressing post un-posted I had in my drafts I think I have to cheer this blog up again.

Anyway.

My aunt past away recently.

This auntie is one that I've always remember saying "You're pretty." to me at times I greet her or visit her on holidays. Even in the last day I visit her at the hospital, she said so too--and she said that she's not being nice or merely saying that, and that she really thinks I'm pretty.

(I was beaten at that time, she told me I shouldn't had come if I were tired; at that time I thought "I might not have the chance to visit you again so I pushed myself today"--because there are lot of stuff in my agenda at the time--but I didn't say anything.)

I am not sad because I don't have the reason to. She rested in peace, and my mom said the reason that she hasn't past away when my mother visited her in the afternoon was (probably) solely because she was waiting for her family to be there with her. And she was loved and she was one of the nicest auntie I've ever had.

Heh. So much cheering this blog up.

But really.

People stress, depress and upset sometimes. Sometimes they're anxious and worried. And afraid. Of things. Of some stuffs.

Me too.

In the end what's important is that... I have people around me to remind me that I'm okay and everything is okay. That everything's fine and I have nothing to worry, stress, depress or be anxious about.

That the world (with stuffs and everything in it) will never stop for me to grief. That the sun will always rise in the morning no matter I don't want any of them at that moment, and that the assignments are still due tomorrow even if I don't feel like doing it.

Even if those people have to leave at some point (like one I love that has), I hope that I will never run out of those people. And that if I do, I'm big enough to remember that all by myself.

07:34 AM

My eyes hurt. My head hurts too.

I wish I can stop crying. But maybe not anytime soon. It's only about an hour since he's gone forever.

I played with the idea of losing him. Not once or twice. (Always ended up crying my eyes out)

Still. The moment I heard the news I don't cry. I have the urge to throw up. (Worse) Then cry my eyes out.

Really.

Hearing that the first thing in the morning is not good for my stomach. (Or me in general)






I've always wanted to grow old with him.

I imagined stuff like he's with me after I'm getting married and having kids. (But not really, because it turns out I've never really imagined what life would be with marriage or kids.) I imagined stuff like having him in my wedding, in my graduation, think about how to leave him when I have to study abroad; looking at him through Skype, wishing if he would look at me through the screen (because he's bad at it), or if he even recognizes me through screen.

But it turns out that none of that is happening. But that's okay too. I just wish that we will be reunited later on. After my life reached its credits as well.






Thank God for letting me... know. Preparing myself of the idea from his worsening condition.

(He was cold when I hugged him. And shivering when I left him. I should have known.)

Thank God that I'm able to do something before he actually left. I'd be devastated if he were to die in our house without me actually know what's happening. Or doing anything.







I was so very afraid. I was afraid and sad and confused. (Mostly afraid)

And it turns out that I have every reason to be afraid.

He was dying.

And I had hoped.

But it's probably better this way. You're a pretty old guy.








You are not cute. But I love you still.

(I lied. You are cute. Not the cutest in the whole universe. But you're cute enough that you're the one I love the most. The most.)








I don't know if you love me, Mitton. I'm a terrible owner, I only hope I'm not terrible at making you feel loved.

You're a good kitty. The best kitty.

See you real soon.

So I was talking to my mother....

"Mom. I think I'm sick. My heart beats faster at random times--and I really meant random times--so bad that there's one time I can't sleep because of that."

"You're not sick. There's must be something bothering you. Inside your head. Something that you want to be done and over with."

"But! Random times! I don't think I thought of anything similar at those times."

"Dear, your body... every organ inside you, doesn't lie. You can be convinced that you're okay but your body certainly doesn't think so. You're stressed."

"...I thought I'm having heart attack."

"Young people who have heart attack usually got it from birth, and they don't have their heart beat fast at random times. It happens all the time. And they got tired easily. You don't."

"...oh."

"95% of sickness comes from the mind, dear."

MangaMagazine.net

Hi everyone! Please pardon me for this shameless promotion but this site is great and I'm desperate so here goes!

What is MangaMagazine.net, you ask? 

MangaMagazine.net is the home of top quality original manga and comics. You see, it's basically a site where you could put up your comics for free and read for free to! Well yeah, it's like a collection of webcomics! But not really. You know why? Because unlike sites that are for free, you as an author, contributing to this site, can actually make money out of your comics! The idea was if your work is popular and good enough to be featured, or interesting enough to be subscribed and paid by others who read it! And! You decide whether it's worth your attention, or your money!

Of course, if you as an author decided to sell your comic through subscriptions you pay some fees too. But generally you can enjoy and post stuffs here for free! (Albeit maybe slower than those who paid. Duh, they paid!) But you see, the site screen good comics all the time so we as readers only get the best ones! That's why it says 'top quality' up there. The site is also user friendly and I myself got hooked on a few titles there, but sadly, I can't subscribe because I have difficulties as to spend my money there.

But then, it doesn't stop here!

MangaMagazine.net is so nice, they give you free one month subscription if you help them promoting the sites (which is exactly what I do)! They understand that some of the readers might not... be fortunate enough to actually subscribe this comics so they give alternatives that actually benefit both sides! Cool right?

Now, you see what I'm talking about? MangaMagazine.net gives opportunity for artist with talents to actually make money out of their works, in this case, comics. They provide a good site; easy to browse and nice archives and very reader friendly to use. They also gives the best reads that us reader can try on; so we should have no fear wasting time for some crappy stuffs. That, and the reader can always read for free, but those who paid really get more benefit. Fair, yeah? And for those who really want to get those benefit without having to pay, you can actually do some promotions so MangaMagazine.net can broaden their field of readers and all that!

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Toodles!

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

....is true to its name.

This show is magical.

Nothing can describe how I could feel this way about this show except that it's because of MAGIC.

Uh yeah.

So. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. What in the world is it?

(The picture above is not mine. Courtesy to whoever made it. Found in google image)

It's a show revolving around the life of six mares (and a baby dragon) in Ponyville, Equastria. Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Apple Jack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy (and Spike, the baby dragon). It starts with Twilight Sparkle quest for friends, sent by Princess Celestia to Ponyville but at the time, she was overwhelmed with the thought of the resurrection of Nightmare Moon and busy searching for the Elements of Harmony. In short she found the Elements of Harmony with the help of her new friends and managed to stop Nightmare Moon BUT ANYWAYS.

That's not what I want to talk about here.

You see, the reason why I start watching this show in the first place is because I'm curious of what the hype is all about. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has a enormous fanbase mostly consisting male viewers. Which is odd, because My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic's demographic is mainly girls. Little girls even. I know that lessons for love and friendships are for everyone, regardless sex or age but it's not about the male viewers (well that too) but mainly the idea is that MLP: FiM has an ENORMOUS fanbase. An enormous fanbase consists of periphery demographic. I mean, this show is just a show about life of ponies and its lesson about love and friendship and sometimes more that is intended for girls. Just how "awesome" could it be?

Very. It turns out.

Whatever it is, people are hooked and whatever the reason, it must be something awesome. So I started watching.

Note that I'm watching with cynicism and anticipation. But mostly anticipation. Because of the hype? And cynicism, you know, people might be overreacting.

So yeah. I watched it sometime in March last year, I was totally hooked with the complexity of a plot that I don't expect from the pilot episode (and the song, I downloaded it right away), but I think because I watched it online, it's soon forgotten and I didn't continue watching. But I start watching again earlier this year.

So yeah, I watched the show. I mean, it was okay. The plot is great and original, the characterizations are great, the songs are nice and catchy, the animation is fantastic, it's colorful and cute and everything nice but you know, it's not like it has super unexpected twist or something. It's predictable.

I can't say that it's awesome... Okay who am I kidding.

I really don't get it. I really really don't get it.

Those things are in my mind, until I realized that I think with pony voices. You know? Mental voices you have in your head? But with pony voices?

HOW CRAZY IS THAT.

I snapped hugging knees staring at nothing with mental voices sounds like ponies. It's like this show casted a spell on me. Can't sleep because of earworms. The songs became earworms. I heard that the way to banished earworms from your head is that you finish the song. I did so. But then it come again, a new song, but still MLP:FiM song.

And then I started crying over episodes that aren't even sad. I teared up and WHAT IS GOING ON WHY AM I CRYING WHAT JUST HAPPENED swirled in my head.

I thought it was just an okay show... until those things happened.

I don't even know why!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.

For unexplainable reason it grows on me. It affects me in a way I can't imagine happening.

BUT IT HAPPENED.

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S MAGIC. I can't think of anything other than magic to reason these behavior. And magic isn't even reasonable! Seriously. I have never found (not that I remember of) a show that is so influential to this extent.

But okay. People don't buy this. Fine. I understand. I cannot comprehend either. How a show can do... ugh. That. But sure. Objectively speaking...

The plot is great and original. Yes, it's predictable (it's children's show, duh), but it's not about the predictability or anything that makes it special. The plot is not there for complexity, but the plot is not so bland that it has no conflict. The plot is somehow relatable, based on problems you faced in your daily life, except that it's wrapped up in a universe where ponies are the main actors. Not just that, it's highly entertaining, it's so well-written that some of it really, really knock you in the base of your heart that even though the idea is really, really simple, it affects your inner conscious. And even though it is episodic, means that you could really just watch any episode without needing to watch others to understand, it has this sense of continuity that makes it fun to watch as a whole. And the show really grows on you, like little by little you undertand how things works there, what is life there, what ponies do, what are they like, and cumulatively makes the show harder to put down the more you watched it. And this goes to the second aspect why this show is special.

The characterization is exceptional. It's awesome. Well yeah, each ponies represents something (as it's described by the Elements of Harmony) and you can see what kind of ponies they are by looking at their cutie marks and manes, and they're so distinguishable you know which is which right away. But that's not it. What is great about these character (or what I think the most notable) is that they are not perfect. They are not... "nice and kind" all the time, or "strong and awesome" all the time. They have their time being wrong; make mistakes, learn from their mistakes. Being jealous, panic over nothing, being greedy, sometimes not... very nice. They do all that things without being out of character. The characterization embraces flaws and imperfection so perfect that what they do (bad things they do) is justified. And did I say the plot is relatable? The characters are also relatable. They're lovable, even if they are annoying sometimes. Or most of the time.

Okay. The songs are nice and catchy. I love the songs. Everypony has lovely voices. And the lyrics, they're so rad! The song is not just as fillers, but they actually strengthen characterizations (mostly Pinkie Pie and Sweetie Belle) and other than that they also complement the show very, very, awesomely. The songs are not there for you so you can fast forward it and go to the next scene. The song IS the scene. It has its story and it explains things so if you don't watch the sing played you'd probably miss something important!

And did I mention the animation is fantastic? Sorry. The animation super-ultra-mega-incredibly-omega-fantastic. Why? Because it's PERFECT! Now, the animation I'm referring to might not the technical something-something animation (because the thing I know about that is next to nothing) although I'm very sure that it's also awesome in my mediocre eyes, but it's because they're so very accurate! Remember that this show is a show about ponies. Ponies don't move like humans do. And in animation, movements and all that jazz is.. you know. It's animation so everything animated can move like whatever because.... the animators can make that happen. Right? Yeah sometimes that's fun too. But what is appealing in MLP: FiM is that because the animation is so very accurate. Okay I know this through some other resource but they really Shown Their Work. They know their animals. The movements of ponies like how their joints move, or what they do when they intimidate people, showing excitement, or being stubborn, nervous, even the anatomy for the fashion stuff is true! (Or so I read). Like, do you know horses sit on their rump when they don't want to be moved? Well now you know! And don't let me start with the colors. I love them.

What else? WHAT ELSE?

This show's awesomeness can only be known by watching it. I don't know, but for me, crying over things that aren't counted as sad is one proof of a work being emotionally moving. I don't even notice. All my skepticism is washed away by all this rain of love and friendships. It sounds very narmy and corny and cheesy but... watching this show, it doesn't seem or sound or feel like it's narmy or cheesy or corny at all. DUH. This is a show about love and friendship for girls that don't make boys (or me) watching it want to shoot themselves. I don't get it, I don't understand, but what I get from watching this is just a heartwarming feeling of satisfaction. A warm fuzzy feeling. And a smile that I don't remember made its way to my face. This show is invading brains and inner conscious and FEELINGS, damn it! AND I LOVE IT.

So.

Yeah.





Now I proudly declare that I consider myself as...

a brony.

Another New I-hope-not-lame-year!

Long time no post! It's not that I got nothing to share lately, it is me in serious mess and taking another level (I hope) up in everything (ahay as if).

Not serious mess, really, but I think it is messy (my head and my heart and MY FEELINGS) that I'm going through tinybity amount of stuffs but it's just the thoughts that are overwhelming. TEEHEE. Anyway!

It is a new year! A new... well year. And have I made people around me feel loved enough? Have I been nice and good enough? Did I smile enough? Did I spread laughter enough? More to come this year, I hope!

2012 was a great year. It was a year with me trying not to be involved in anything yet don't have a heart to say no and giving half-assed output, the time I'm involved in things I don't want to, feel nonexistent burden (burden I made myself because I'm so freaking weak), the year I feel like I'm the most irresponsible selfish creature who spend a lot of money, the year I cursed so much oh God I cursed a lot that year I don't even know how; so far the nastiest, the crapiest, the... lamest me in my history of living so far. But despite that, for better or worst, it has broaden my field of interest! It is the year of webcomics and superheroes and all that and year of me loving more people and learn more stuffs and everything. And everything nice and lovely.

Everything around me that year is lovely as ever it's just me that sucked. I sucked that year. I don't know if I deserved what I did because I sucked.

I hope that this year I'm going up the graph again. Striking upwards like an eagle. (It's okay past rani, I know. I understand.)

This year... I'm a person with more responsibilities and I hope I can cope. This year I'm a person with a goal I hope to achieve. And... okay that's all.