Random Life Updates (sort of)

A lot of things happened recently. Sort of. My weekends are eaten by activities that... are... not I really expected to happen on weekends. Because my weekends usually consist of me lazing around. (Will still continue hopefully till next week).

But I guess that one weekend where my foot was sprained fulfill my usual weekend agenda (it was not very pleasant though).

But lately I'm a little bit disoriented. I'm confused, but I don't know about what. I want to talk to several people, but they're busy. I want my plush to be dry-cleaned, haven't done it (can't rely on other people, really). I want to go to toy stores and bookstores, but I'm too lazy to go anywhere else but home. I'm hungry most of the time, but I can't eat in each and every of those time. (I don't use to get hungry this often). The last one frustrates me the most.

It's weird because at one time, I'm disoriented, but not long afterwards, after putting it into words and draw something that has nothing to do with it, I don't feel so disoriented anymore. Seeing my awkward drawings I realize I really need to practice more often. The last time I was drawing very seriously and consistently were the time when I made a picture book. This is one of my favorite pages:

(I didn't color that well either)

I tried to give pictures of dreams that I have in my dream journal too, but I have dreams to write but not a lot of time to draw so I neglected that one too. I want to play tennis again, haven't been playing for so long. When I was in junior high, I played every week. After a load of work in high school, I put it to rest. Same as piano. Though with piano, the lesson every week was stressful. I cried in class a lot. Still played at home afterwards, but too lazy to practice in recent years. It's not very easy, to see what you like and what you want to do with your life. I tried music and sports and art and studying and although I enjoy doing it (and able to do it, some I did--like sports and studying--pretty well) none I found so interesting that I passionately want to be very good at it, or enjoy it enough to do it every other day (or at least regularly). But I guess that's ok, I have long made peace with myself about this kind of things. Guess it's still trial and error for me.

Maybe I'll draw some more for my dream journal.

(Later.)

Irang

(Her appearance isn't depicted in a very obvious way, here is what I imagine.)

Read her story here.

p.s. she's not mine, and by no means this visualization is even close to her actual design

Sexuality, Marriage, and Islam

Disclaimer: This is a personal interpretation and deduction from what I've learnt from living. I wanna say religion instead of Islam but I can't because I have no real reference in other religion. And by 'Islam', it actually really meant 'Islam in my perspective' and if there's any inaccuracy in things I said about it, feel free to say so, but please be mindful it's not intended as it's merely a fruit of deduction from whatever I learnt so far (which is, to tell the truth, not a lot).

I am cutting the case really short: I don't believe that it is wrong to love anyone or anything. It's a very natural thing to have a feeling of affection to anyone (or anything really). I always believe that it has never wrong to have feelings, however nasty they are, as long as they are not actualized in actions (x).

And with that saying, I think it's perfectly fine for people from the same sex to like each other.

I also don't believe that it's forbidden by my religion. Which is Islam.


Before getting to how the heck I come to that conclusion, there are a few things that have to be explained first.

That is, Sex and Marriage in Islam.

Sex, like every other aspect of life, is regulated in Islam. Sex, as I understand, is only permitted in two conditions:
1. It is reproductive sex
2. It is done by people who are married

It has to be reproductive sex, as non-reproductive sex is banned and seen as perverted. From what I get, the purpose of sex in Islam is strictly reproducing. Non-reproductive sex is an act of sin. Even when it is done by man and woman. But it has second condition: it has to be done by people who are married, so people who did reproductive sex but aren't married are also sinful.

But marriage itself, seen from my very simplistic point of view, is an institution that are legitimated by Islam to (1) track bloodlines and preserving species, and (2) socialize and perpetuate Islamic traditions and values. (But really, it's not just 'marriage' and 'Islamic norms and values', people use the unity of people through any institution for any norms and values).

I guess there are other purposes as well but I see these two as the most fundamental. Why? Because reason (1) is the reason why people who can marry are only people that can engage in reproductive sex, which is man and woman. To put it simply, if they can't reproduce, then the purpose of marriage is DEFEATED. Why such strong word? Because in Islam, you really CAN (and to some extent, encourage to?) have another marriage if you can't have children from the one you previously have.

Without children, you can't make little people who are supposed to be internalized with the previous value you have (in this case, Islam) which is actually the reason (2). I am saying so because preserving and spreading Truth in Islam is compulsory for muslims, and the easiest thing to do that is to build a family. How? Through marriage.

So that's how I deduce the purpose of marriage in Islam into two.

Which is kind of what leads me to think that the problem in Sodom and Gomorrah is probably not because men are loving men and women are loving women: but because they're engaged in non-reproductive sex.

As I said, non-reproductive sex is banned in Islam. And there's no way for two people from the same sex to have a reproductive sex, that's why sexual engagement between them is prohibited. (And that's why they can't get married, because they can't fulfill the purpose of marriage.)

But it doesn't mean that loving people or anything other than people from different sex are banned. We are encourage to love and spread love. There are even phrases like "I love you because of God" exactly because we can love anyone or anything based on a very basic thing like principle-differences be damned, as long as we have something important in the core of ourselves that we share together. Islam encourage its believers to be kind and full of love; the Prophet himself is depicted in a very loving, affectionate, and kind figure. And he doesn't really do that strictly to woman. Or muslims. He did so to every living being on earth that he encounters.

So no.

Feelings of affection towards anyone is not wrong. Or prohibited. (It shouldn't even be seen as one.)

What is prohibited (or "wrong" in its sense), I believe, is unregulated sex.

Which we have to admit, implies that homosexual people who are romantically involved cannot ever have sex (according to Islam). But that is totally doesn't mean that they can't love each other anyway.

(And it also implies that, the "act of sin" that is mentioned ever so often is not exclusively done by homosexuals or the like.)





And that's how I come to that.

(I'm very open to discussion.)



note: I prepared the similar notion for speech in class back when I was in 10th grade, arguing that not just that it's not forbidden in religion and not a mental illness, bullying and discrimination againts it shouldn't be happening. But I was thrown for a fact that apparently (despite what I was explaining) homosexuality is rejected in every religion. I guess it was my fault because my initial purpose was to argue not to bully LGBTIQ, so I didn't explain the RELIGION part very thoroughly (though I was pretty sure I'm convincing enough in "mental illness" department)-and she doesn't really care about my point (anti-bullying) but more to the fact that I accept homosexuality even though I'm a person with religion. I learnt my lesson, so here it is: an argument why me accepting homosexuality isn't betraying the fact that I'm a believer.


(x) This is also supported by the fact that in Islam, bad intentions are not sinful until it's done, albeit good intentions are already counted as good deeds, so when it's actually done you kinda get two times the rewards (if you don't then you already get a reward from your intentions alone).

They (Don't) Deserve It

I don't like the fact that human thinks really highly of themselves. I loathed it, even. It's not that I don't recognize technological advances or whatever humanity achievements that they have now, I just think that it's used as an excuse to perform, I don't know, mean things.

I always think that sense of superiority is the issue of a lot of things that are evil. Racism, sexism, chauvinism, homophobia, misogyny, misandry, and whatever else evil--in summary they all come from a feeling that one is better than the other sometimes to the point that the other shouldn't exist or that it's others' nature to be bullied/slaved/raped/not accepted/that they deserve all the bad things that come upon them. And that is pretty bad, considering they're all the same: human being. Yet even among themselves they cannot see that they're essentially equal.

That, I don't like.

But my dislike doesn't stop there, because nowadays those kind of views are perceived as a bad thing. Which is true: it is a bad thing! And those who have those sentiments are seen as evil. Not.. all, it seemed, but at least it's improving. And it's a good thing. It's a good thing that people realized that those values are evil. And even if they don't stop doing evil, at least they know that what they do is evil so what they did are purely done not because of misconceptions or the feeling of it's the right thing to do but purely because they want to do that form of evil: they want to do so because it feels right for them, beneficial for them, or because they're just plain evil. Because the worst thing about doing evil is THINKING THAT IT'S NOT EVIL.

Or at least that's what I believe.

Anyway.

Yeah. So as seeing that there are forms of discrimination or feeling of superiority among humans themselves, it's granted that they (of course) think really highly of themselves compared to other living creatures. Like animals. Or plants.

And I think it's way worst. And I loathed it even more. Why? Because people don't even think it's a bad thing. They really think that it's animals' or plants' nature to serve the humanity. They really think that whatever they do to them, it is their right to do so simply because it seemed that humans are better than they are in every way.

(Some religions even established that fact but for the sake of argument I am not taking that to account.)

...what?

The thing is, the fact that one is better than the other shouldn't be a justification for doing things that are bad. It shouldn't be a reason to demean others. To belittle others. And even then, I don't really think that the fact we are better than they are means that we're not equal in essence. (And I don't even think that we're all that better than they are either. I personally think a lot of people are worse than dirt.)

Okay, now let me get this straight first. By bad, I don't mean like eating them or whatnot. I like eating meat. I love eating meat. Meat is tasty. But so do tigers. They eat meat. So do lions. And crocodiles and T-rex. They eat meat. My cat loves fish. I love fish. I eat fish. I don't feel bad eating fish because it's not bad to eat them, you know? It's our nature to eat each other. To hunt. To survive. So no, it's not bad. Even if you for some reason, think it's bad, at least you know that you're doing it for a reason and it's more appealing than the consequences which you perceived as, say, more bad. Like dying out of hunger.

So yeah, survival of the fittest. Fine.

But it doesn't give you the right to enslave them to death, to confiscate their habitat, to kill them for fun, to do whatever people are doing right now to animals that are totally not okay if it's done to other people.

Animal domestication, for example. Some may say that it's a form of modern slavery: but I personally think that if there's a form care and appropriate treatment or if that it has mutual benefits for both parties, it should be fine. Say a pet is giving a sense of companionship or entertainment for people; they got food, shelter, and to some extent the same sense of companionship and love in return. So does a farm: if it's done in a non exploiting manner (which sounds like a load of bullshit but I believe that given the right method and enough knowledge it can happen) it should be ok. Even if they have to be "used", at the very least they're given an amount of incentive on their part. We have to coexist with them. It's like a job, you know? People are enslaved too, but they gain what they think they need in return so they're fine that way. So I think it should be obvious that animals too, even when we can't really guess what kind of perceived benefits they had in mind, the least we can do are not exploiting them until death. I can go on and on about how not being mean to animals (as if it's not obvious already but then SOMEHOW IT'S NOT huft) but that's not the point.

The point is that we have no reason to be mean. We really don't. (Unless you want to be mean or you're evil. Then yeah, you kinda have a reason.) You and your fellows of the same sex or race or ethnicity or being can be better in ways you want to believe you do, but it doesn't give you the right to be mean or violate others. And no, they don't deserved it. Same as women don't deserve rape. Same as colored people don't deserve slavery. Animals don't have their lives taken away because they 'deserve' it.

People are just evil, most of the time. 

(p.s. Whew. This is like the third installment of my Don't be Mean posts. Turns out I'm very concerned about people being mean.)

The Highlight of the Night

You know. Sometimes I wonder if it really took an effort to love.

I believe it doesn't.

I know it doesn't.

And it doesn't.

It takes time but it doesn't need an effort. And funny that it came from lots of things. 

Like writing for example.

(A fanaticism towards an author is very legit)

But no, it's not about a writing. Or an author.

Lately I find him very cute. He's always been a brat but now he's a cute brat. I feel like I've come to like him and find him endearing. Even though he's often covered with dirt and he's plenty annoying. And noisy. 

I know that I can't really expect our bond to be special, but I'm glad that the thought of losing him become more saddening than it was before. At least now I know he mattered.

(Well, I guess that kind of thing really comes naturally.)

(Things I Noticed Recently)

It's nice having a big family that you can rely on. That would go all their way to do stuffs for you. And to some extent: whose kindness you can expect and whose warmth you can be certain of.

It really is nice. When people complained about seeing a lot of evil in the world, seeing human doing mean things that are annoying (like not giving seats to elders and pregnant woman, littering the street, killing dogs, or bombing countries), I always thought something along the lines of: "you should see it coming. It's a given for people to be ignorant and mean; people who are kind are jewels and jewels aren't things you find scattered in the street." And thus I don't really expect people to be good and well-mannered or nice in general. (I used to. But I learnt things, so I don't anymore.)

That's why even among a family, I'm still baffled on how far they would want to help and love and for them to see as if it's something ordinary. Something... normal. Something given.

I hope there won't come a day when that changes, but if it does, that'd be a shame. Then again, we families are only consisted of ordinary human beings (that are mostly ignorant and mean).

-

It really frustrates me to be involved in a heated argument where I can't argue using logic because people are being irrational. That whatever I said will be labelled with previous judgment and bias that they already have; that whatever I said will not even be considered to be true because it doesn't go with their believe; that whatever I said is countered with something unimaginably delusional or stupid.

It frustrates me to the point of tears.

I think the reason it frustrates so much is the fact that I feel absolutely helpless. I can't argue with irrationality. I have no choice but to shut up and swallow whatever crap they're feeding me, since I've never really learn how to scream back and use mean words that sounds like a perfect reply in various media.

And it hurts. It hurts to shut up. And it hurts to swallow crap or loaded bullshit.

But it makes me learn how much of an arrogant, prideful baby I was being and how I should learn to shut up and ignore stupidities in general. (Or scream and use mean words, but I figured that requires more effort)

-

It's funny how a writing by a person can say a lot of things about them. By writings, you'd know what are things that's important for them, how they see the world and its stuff, how they crafted their thoughts.

Sometimes it's really beautiful.
Amusing.
Pretentious.
Hilarious.
Quirky.
Sad.

Sometimes it makes you feel so very close.
How it reflects what you see in them first-hand. How it oh-so relatable to you. How you agree with their point of view towards the universe and everything else they wrote.

Sometimes it makes you feel so very distant.
How it feels like a different person than what you used to greet on daily basis. How foreign the things that they wrote. How unthinkable for you to even see things their way.

But most of the time it makes you feel like you know the person better.

-

I can't decide whether it's a good thing or a bad thing:
I think that I finally grasp what it meant to engage in social encounters.

I used to not be able to differ it, but I get a clue of how it works bit by bit.

I thought I'm a very awkward person, but it's not once or twice that people tells me how sociable I am with strangers. "What do you mean you're awkward? You're great with people." kind of thing.

I didn't notice that I've developed an auto for social interactions with strangers. But it seems I did.

-

You know, these days looking at pictures of people makes me think if people are either born beautiful and stay that way, or grew up and becomes more beautiful day by day.

Or they're just ugly.

But I think I'm surrounded by beautiful people. Whose face are pleasant to be seen.
(I'm pretty sure I'm biased)

-

Oh Joy

We started our friendship in junior high. Well... most of them are pretty much weird. We know each other because one friend knows one another who knows one another and yeah. I don't really understand how we bonded coz our interests are really varied but we're close anyway. Three of us met up yesterday.

What a long day.

I fished and I got around 20 fishes, 12 of them with one dipper. I feel very accomplished. We had a lots of fun: waited hours for the car tire to be repaired, ate great food, took care of kitties (the are like 12 cats in that room, 4 of them are sick) and impulsively slept over at one of our houses. We set figures and straps, read comics, watched videos of idols singing and dancing on screen, stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars in the ceiling. We cuddled and kissed and cuddled.


It was a long day.

A very fun long day.
(I wish instead of three there are five but)

It's impressive how a presence of great friends can really make your day.



"Alone, things become experience. Together, they become memories."
- A. K.

Assumptions

I have friends who apologize to me because of something they did or said, as if it offends or hurts me.
(It doesn't.)

It seems that they assume that I'd be hurt or offended because they learn that some people are hurt by the actions. Or words.



I think most people learn by nature. They pick up patterns, memorize stuffs, make conclusions after each lesson and act or speak based on that. As older they goes, maybe they don't really see things as they are anymore. They see things in direct comparison with what they have seen or learnt.

But not really as separate, different, totally-not-related being.
(Not that it's a bad thing)

They see new things as a part, or maybe extension of what they have encountered.



When they learn that one stimulus will get a certain kind of respond from some things, they thought other things might respond in the same way. When they see that one being has a certain characteristics, they believe that its kind would all be like that. But when they see that some things are different, it doesn't make them change their previous thought or believe. Sometimes it just broadens their previous thoughts or believes, sometimes they ignore it-they ignore it as it is part of deviance or abnormality that shouldn't be counted. Saying that there are "exceptions".

I guess it's justified because if it's not from those things that we learn-from assumptions that we make-it's hard to do or say anything. For some cases, it's outright impossible. Plus, it's a total chore to actually learn the same thing over and over when they're, you know, similar. We invented the word for it; it's called generalization. It makes a lot of things easier.



I do too, sometimes. Generalize stuffs. Compare one being with others. See things as a big gob of things instead of scrutinize each of the said things.
(Naturally.)

So I understand if people recall what they learn about people (or other things that associated with my being) and assume that it applies for me too.





But I hope when they finally learn that I don't, they don't try to make me fit the conventions.

Prince

Prince has nice friends. He has a very brave Bold, kind-hearted Little, happy-go-lucky Bright, wise Red, and fun Magic. They travel together because it's less lonely when you have friends to share amazing stuffs you found in the journey.

They are very different, Prince found, but they don't mind that.

Sometimes they have to learn new stuffs because old stuffs they knew don't work the same in different places.

They learn to play music and taste the fun in songs and dances and crowds.

They learn to cope with nightmares and the possibility of being lost.

They learn to change and accept that they might not be the same anymore.



Prince loves his friends. He was never sure of what his friends felt though.

Is he a bad friend for not trusting them to love him the same way?

Because to be honest, Prince Cat never thought that he'd found people whom he loved so deeply, that the thought of others having the same feeling is almost impossible.

So sometimes Prince Cat would cry alone in the night, (because the thought of them leaving him hurts really bad. Sometimes because what he feel for them are really intense that he cries because of it.)

He really is, sentimental.

He then wrote stories about their journey and little things about them to make and his feelings.

(Sometimes songs as well.)

But he never tells anyone about it.

I Stand On the Right Side

I think Democracy as an ideal political system out there is bullshit. I feel that even though people should be given the right to express themselves, I don't quite agree that all of them have to be involved in decision making because:

1. The power depends on numbers. The more people agrees, the greater effect it will bring. The lesser, vice versa. The power doesn't depend on whether it's a good cause or not, whether it's wise decision or not, but merely majority rules.
2. They are not equal. People that are involved in democracy usually have different exposure towards issues or cause or person, they have different level of intelligence and they come from different social classes with different interests.

Now. Based on that two FACTS, you can already see how democracy is not ideal. Decisions that come from that will not be objective because there will always be more people that are stupid, blinded by faith, and discriminative than people who are literate, tolerant, and wise-as Sturgeon's Law stated: 90% of everything is crap. And since the power lies in numbers and people are mostly stupid; people can always be bought, manipulated, cheated to be on the side of wrong. And minorities-as legal as they are as a part of society-will never be heard as much as majorities do: they don't have a place in democracy. What, do you think it's enough for them to just live and not able to practice their believe or embrace their sexuality or just accept that their presence will always be frowned upon?

Yeah, right.

Of course, the practice of democracy is not as shallow: yes political participation is a concern, but so does representation, transparency, rule of law and individual liberties. Which is totally NOT a bad thing, but it has to be followed by great amount of education and literacy to actually make it REALLY works. I might not be a politics expert, but well, isn't it obvious that 'democracy' is just a fancy name for a system if it isn't followed with a good quality of the people? Yanno, because they personally RUN the democracy?

Then again, even though democracy is not very ideal-it is the best one could come up with since any other system is either worse or plain inapplicable to countries as big as one consists of 17,000 islands. Lesser of two evils, they say.



But yeah. Because we are facing one of the biggest celebration of democracy-THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION-I'm writing this post.

This election might be the milestone of something important (other than the fact that this is my first presidential election haha) and the future of this country might depend on it: because there's only two choices with totally different background and totally different method of leading this country.

The thing that I can conclude from this is that, if people were smart enough, they will choose a wise, down-to-earth, and experienced candidate with brilliant achievements in their track records and a very clear vision of what this country should be, complete with ways to achieve it. They will choose a candidate from rational and critical thinking.

If they aren't so smart, they probably don't really care who they choose as long as he's from the party that they cheer on, or he's the guy that are chosen by their leader or friend or preacher, or because he's the guy that will represents the value of this religion or believe or race or ethnic that they are (instead of all people in this country) or he's the guy who will fulfill their selfish interest.

Now now, we all know that nobody's perfect-people have faults and made mistakes or have stupid (sometimes unforgivable) pasts or ugly or not filthy rich-so let's just agree on that and choose whoever we think IS the LESSER of two evils. (If it's not obvious enough)


Then, if there comes to a time where the majority of this country choose the obviously wrong choice (which is not that surprising) then that might be for the best of this country.

(Because, yanno, clearly it's an ultimate proof that no good decision come from democratic ways.) (I am also not saying that we should be lead by a tyrant) (Or should we)





p.s. Black propaganda is false information and material that purports to be from a source on one side of a conflict, but is actually from the opposing side. It is typically used to vilify, embarrass or misrepresent the enemy.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch

- (probably not) Benjamin Franklin

Doctors and God

My father told us a story he heard from his lecturer today. It was about a time when his lecturer went with his relative to the doctor, because his relative was terribly ill. The doctor examined his relative and after examination, he concluded that there was nothing he can do anymore and his relative is dying. My father's lecturer was furious, saying that he would pay any amount of money to make him actually do something but the doctor insisted that whatever he did won't make any difference. And it was true. His relative died not so long after.

After he finished the story, he said that it need years after that time for him to finally get what the doctor meant. He was mad at the doctor that time, but it's because he didn't understand what the doctor felt or what he knew. The doctor has seen the signs and symptoms to be certain that there was nothing that he can do to help--he didn't want him to spend anymore money than what he already did on nothing, he want to cut the case and put all the cards on the table for him to prepare himself and the rest of his family: "Your relative is dying dude, sorry.". 

And now that he looks back, it doesn't seem like a bad thing at all. At that time he was convinced that this particular doctor is an arrogant lazy bastard who treat his patient badly and doesn't even try to actually save his patient, when in fact he was just a plain good old doctor who knows what he's doing, doesn't want to trick anyone to spend more money on bullshit treatments, nor sugarcoat his diagnosis (but yeah probably not very good at diplomatic communication). The problem with these cases is that sometimes people are not being fair and forget that doctors are not miracle worker nor God--they're just humans who can't cure everything or really stop people from dying if they're, you know, dying. So it's kinda hard to swallow when they say they can't help.

My father further said that he suspect all of those doctors who persuaded the patient's family to do a lot of treatments are those greedy jerks who make use of the patient's family emotional state and desperation to make money.

But my sister and I argued. 

She and I think that sometimes it's not the treatment that counts. Sometimes it doesn't really matter whether or not it works--some people just want to know, some people just want to feel like they have given their all to actually make a change and that's all what matters. I believe that even if there are some evil doctors who did so for money, there are doctors who did so to humor the family--to make them feel better, exactly as stated; to make them feel and think that they already given their best efforts even though with or without those treatments or money spent, the outcome was the same. They did it to ease their soul--not for them to spend their money on nothing. Then again, it's not for nothing either, it does give some relief to some people right? Plus, there's always a chance that the doctors are wrong and the treatment actually works and the patient can live longer.

We come to conclusion that the best doctors for that matter are those who actually explains that yes, s/he'll die and we don't think whatever we do will make any difference but if you're willing to try then we can always give it a go :) or something along those lines instead of plain resignation (like the former doctor did) or giving false hopes by just trying without explaining anything to the patient or their family.

And it makes me wonder if that's kind of what God did to us.

You know.

Letting us try even though it's in vain. 

I was wondering if it's more or less the same:

He already knows what's going to happen. He already knows what are the outcomes and what are things that you choose, for He is the all-knowing and all-powerful. He probably already set things straight already--for all we know everything is probably predetermined by Him already and we only lead our lives as it is written.

But he is letting you try anyway. He lets you to choose--or feel like you are choosing. 

He lets you think, feel, and do things--even though what you think, feel, or do are things that are certain for him. He lets you make an effort to make your life the way you want it to be when it's already known to him how you'd live it, with or without your effort.

He lets you "try" to change your destiny when the destiny is already there to be fulfilled. 

Probably just like the doctors who do things and treatment to their dying patient even though they know it's for nothing. The difference is: doctors can be wrong sometimes.

God doesn't.

But still. He lets you try--actually encourage you to try, because that's probably living is all about:

Trying.

Because we don't know what are the outcomes and what are things that we'll choose and what are things that is going to happen. We don't know what He knows.

And that's enough for us to try and see and think that or feel like we are doing something--regardless what it actually is.

p.s. Don't you just love the fact that we are an insignificant being without free will who are drowned in a false consciousness of actually having an impact on the universe?

Go with the Flow (or Not)

You know, it's already my third year in college. 

Plus I'm twenty right now. I can't believe I live this long already--considering the amount of unhealthy food that I've been feeding myself, the amount of disasters happening in this earth, the amount of disasters happening in the universe, the amount of evil on the land, the amount of viruses and bacteria in the air, the amount of illness that exists in this era, and every other things that can be the death of me.

Not that it's not nice; in fact, it has been fun and awesome. But considering the usual human lifespan, which is 100 something, tops--the average is probably just 60 or 70 something--and assuming that my lifespan is like most people in general--twenty years old isn't so old. I still have a lot to go.

Having said that, I have to think about how I'd want to spend the rest of my expectant years. I have to prepare for it, yes? And given that I live in society that values industry and money highly, I have to prepare myself to, you know, care about getting into the industry and care about getting a lot of money.

(My thoughts of future has none of that in the equation, but you don't really live in thoughts so.)

Anyway.

I consider myself as a pretty idealistic person. It's not that I hate industry or money, but the thing is I don't want to do things I don't agree with and gain things from what I don't enjoy. I'm not sure where I can fit that preference here--of course there's a lot of choice other than being untrue to yourself, job can be made, and there's actually a lot of jobs and causes I can work on, but that's a path full of uncertainty and risks that I'm not even sure where. I mean, I'm very sure that I want to take that path, but which is it? Where is it? Twenty years of life hasn't made me realize that path yet. Or discover where that path is.

But everyone else is already moving. They're already taking paths. They're already making choices.

(Where as I'm here. Not exactly moving. Not sure which way to go. Don't know what path to take.)

And if I don't hurry, I feel like I'll be left behind.

And when I realize what it is, I feel like it'll be all too late.

I don't want that.

So right now, I'm trying to follow everyone else. Trying to follow the rules. The path given by society--as in, the ultimate path that is proven years of making a good citizen: learning in school, doing school activities, graduating with a good grades, doing internships, getting a job.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy almost most of them. But all this time, I did those things because it feels like that how this living thing works--I just keep doing it because it doesn't feel wrong and I enjoyed the process--and I've always been comfortable going with the flow; wherever it leads me (since it never fails me anyway). Then again, I used to not have the capacity to decide which path to take.

Now I have.

But I still don't know what it is.

Not sure where it goes.

(Good thing that I know where I want it to end, but)

So yeah.

I'll follow the rules again. I'll just follow what everyone else is doing. I keep telling myself that it'll just be a safety net that I'd discard once I found out what I really wanted.  

I hope it is.

Because sometimes I'm afraid that this path will lead me farther and farther away from the path that I actually would love to take--because instead of exploring things that I can work on and love, I'm here: following everyone else.

Then again, I hope that's not the case.

Thank You, Everyone!

Hello, everyone!

I really like the fact that most of me writing things in this blog is an act of escapism from the assignments or studies that I have to do. I love the fact that maybe I can do something more productive than writing blogs though, like practicing things that I used to be good at and now not so much. But then again, maybe it's not so good after all, since I really have to do my assignments and study for final exams next week.

I went through photos again today. I went through old photos a lot.

Just like this blog, I love seeing them again and again to remind me of what of me that has changed and what of me that stays (I am very concerned with my personal growth so please excuse me). But other than that, I'm also very happy that every time I saw them, I realized that there are more lovely people that has entered my life and made my days even brighter and more fun to live in. I realized that there are more people that I come to treasure and whom I prayed their happiness for. I'm so happy.

It flies very fast; the time. Well. Then again, I guess it just seems so because I'm spending it happily.

It's really funny that everything is so very fun and the people are so very sweet--I feel like the universe is trying to spoil me (to the fact that I'm scared that it would crumble one time and then throw me into a pit of despair just like how the universe can be very cruel but let's not get into that). But I think that in a way the universe is a little bit cruel by letting everything ends--making you experience parting with the moment you cherish and people you finally come to love, even when you feel like you own it--but I guess it goes hand in hand with it giving you unpleasant things and letting you part with it and become stronger, cooler, and more mature as it pasts, so... okay.

I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who has been generous enough to smile at me, talk to me nicely, hear my incessant noise, share stories and views with me, laugh at my jokes, wave at me, hug me tightly, kiss me on the cheek--despite all of our differences in everything. Thank you for giving me invaluable life lessons and thank you for making me feel welcomed, happy and loved.

I'm so happy. I hope all of you can always be happy and for all of your dreams to come true. I wish for all of your health and fortune, and for your life to be filled with lots of love.

Kisses!

Haven't Really Change

- Me, three years ago. 

Artists

I have a theory that some artists are actually mediums.

(By mediums I meant people that practice mediumship.)

You know, I think it's common for people to feel moved by a certain work of art or music--and that there's a saying here and there about a certain work of art or music having a soul. And how it touches one.

I'm starting to think that it probably because some piece of art or music are actually souls. And the artists are mediums of which delivering the soul into one piece of painting, or song, or dance. Every great artists are those who are able to mediate the soul properly and wholly. And a great piece of art actually a soul of one great--strong, remarkable, important--people from the past. For example, one piece of art is probably a soul of Nikola Tesla, or Mother Theresa, or Cleopatra or maybe soul of Genghis Khan or Adolf Hitler. It's embodied in a form where it can be seen and heard--with colors and strokes or tunes.

And I think some other artist, instead of mediating other great souls that float around in the universe, they are mediating a piece of their soul into a piece of art. It's an incentive for them and when they died, people will always recognize them from what they did--because those paintings or music are actually their soul in other forms. Like how Michael Jackson's and Bach's soul probably stay in their music, or how Van Gogh's soul probably stays in his paintings.

Some other artists may create enjoyable and great art yet might not have a soul in them. But some of those soulless works may then have a soul after a while--it usually because they absorb joy, happiness and pleasant feeling or fear, disgust or realization that comes from other people who heard or saw the said work. It basically absorbs feelings and emotion that it evoked and lives from that. Maybe if it's that wonderful, it'll be embodied in a human after a few centuries.

I like this theory. 

Déjà vu

Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. - Dr Manhattan (Watchmen, Ch. IX, p. 6) 

I have experienced déjà vus. A lot of people does, I suppose. It’s a common occurrence. It’s less intense now–when I’m in junior high school the déjà vus came often and in full force, to the point that shouting “This must be déjà–!” is part of the déjà vu. (I have more vivid and lucid dreams at those times as well. Must be the amount of sleep I had back then). I have a déjà vu recently, about me talking to my friends in the McDonalds, them both sitting across me.

It got me thinking.

What if Doctor Manhattan was right?

There is no past. There is no future. The notion of time is just a term to refer how humans perceived reality–linear.

Things are already happening.
No.

Things happen. And it all happen simultaneously. It’s a chunk of solid object that has no concept of appearing “before” or “later”. It’s… you know. It just exists. All of them exist. Not in a way that one thing affects the other, but in a way that the whole thing is already set to be that way.

And déjà vus are the times in sleep when humans are seeing time in its real form. Déjà vu is the moment when instead of looking at time (reality) as something linear, you are peeking other part of time–a time you perceived as “future”, when there is no future. There is just reality that you have experienced in other time. If I’m using Dr. Manhattan’s analogy, it would be that déjà vu is the moment when instead of seeing the jewel clockwise (or whatever wise) in a fixed angle, you turn it upside down or turn it counter-clockwise or just see from another angle. If I’m using my analogy, it would be that time is a book, and déjà vu is the moment when you are flipping through a few pages after the part you’re reading. A moment that, unlike flipping through books, we seemed to have no ability to control of (at least consciously).

A very thick book at that (maybe not so thick for others). 

And boom.

Of course déjà vu ”will” happen.
It already "happened".

And if that’s true, then the concept of time can be more simpler. Of course people experienced time in different manner, that it’s different in variety of locations–it’s probably because time is not universal.

And if that’s true, then the term “fate” can never be truer.







(But hey, it's not that I'm an expert in physics or anything.)

p.s. it turns out that there IS a term referring (sort of) to this notion! It’s called Eternalism.
p.p.s it says nothing about déjà vu, though.

Some friends I made

For more or less two months I've been in Singapore, I made some more friends. I'm trying to make a list.. sort of like this one.. but it won't be discontinued (I feel sad about that, those who haven't been mentioned are all nice and special also) and I won't mention all of them. Just some. None of them are Indonesian on purpose.

(Just so you know, they're in alphabetical order)

Amanda

She taught me how to tap dance.

Fer

I think she's very pretty.

Jay

His face is always pleasant.

Kay

She recommended cool picture books to me. She has a very cute voice.

Louis

He gives warm hugs.

Maria

She didn't know (until I mention it) that China has the biggest population in the world. 

Navy

She's very pretty and witty and funny. She doesn't have a boyfriend yet.

Nay

She told me "I love you" in Bahasa Indonesia and taught me how to say "I love you" in Khmer.

Ryan

He is the first friend I made in class.

Shen Yang

She insisted to have a colorful template for a presentation because her topics is politics and she doesn't want to make it gloomier by having such dark template.

Other note: we komedians (term describing those people in my study program) are making a dictionary. Dictionary is needed because our jokes are painfully internal and usually academic-related, and there's unusually lot of us who is going on an exchange program. It'll be handy for those who just got back from a semester or year away to get the jokes when you have a dictionary, right? 

It's really funny.

There are something else I want to talk about regarding friends. I have a lot of friends; friends whom I close to because a lot of time spent together with them, friends whom I close to because of the same interests, friends whom I not very close with, and friends whom I close to because we share the same idea. But there are friends that I made, magically don't really belong in those categories. And those people are mostly those who got a very special place in my heart, I'd say. (Not that those in the said categories don't have a special place in my heart).

They are people that I can comfortably share my ideas with, even though we don't know each other for a long time, even though we don't even meet regularly, even when we don't share the same idea. Even when we are so very different that the only thing that brought us together is the fact that we can share  thoughts and ideas, that we find each other nice to talk with. And then again, I can't tell if they're my close friends (because we really don't interact that much; in a year, I can count times when we meet to sit and talk together with one hand--sometime none in a year's time) and I'm very sure that they have their own important friends to whom they confide with lots of times (me too), but I just know that they are just special.

Other than that, I think if these friends have anything in common, it would be that they don't think my ideas--or me in general--silly. Or even if they think so, they love me for it.


But having said that, my sister is still the person whom I share most of my playlist with (and the bed, of course). Hard to beat her for that.

Home and Good Food

Hi guys!

I went home for a few days last week.

Facing different things and different environment and different people--I don't think it's a big deal, I never had much thought about it nor it bugs me to have things around me changed, I'm too ignorant to notice the said differences, I think. But in the midst of it all I slowly notice that understand myself a little bit better.

Wanting to go back home and wanting to spend time with your family and other beloved for me is like wanting to have good food--or particular food that pops up in your head at random times. It's not that I'm homesick or that I'm super uncomfortable being in such foreign environment--I just want to go home. I just want to hang out with my friends. Just like at those times when for some reason you just want a juicy steak for lunch or having a carrot juice after a long run.

And it doesn't mean that other stuffs aren't as good--they're good too! Creamy pasta and hot green tea latte taste heavenly too, but sometimes you just want THAT steak and carrot juice. Just like watching girl idols are fun but sometimes you just want to spend your time in the karaoke with your sister.

They are tasty stuffs that feed your particular crave or hunger. And while the food satisfies your belly's, those times together with your beloved satisfy your soul's. (Or heart's. I can't differ which)

(But when I'm home I get to eat tasty foods and hang out my family and friends so I guess I satisfy both. I like the thought that I'm filling my soul with warmth and fixing my nutrition at the same time.)



Oh yeah! And it was unexpectedly fun because I didn't plan on anything but I get to meet my college friends, some of my high school friends, some of my junior high school friends, and even some of my primary school friends by accident (we met on the train)! It's just when I meet them I realize I miss their presence a little bit more than I thought I do.

Other unexpected stuff: I got sick. Nothing big, just cold. It's convenient because I think that's the first time I catch a cold after this semester starts. At least back in my home I have a nice fluffy bed to sleep on.

What I want

It was a day before CNY eve, the day I cried because I don't know whether to go out or stay at my room.

(It sounded ridiculous. I know)

I cried because I really didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like going. I didn't want to go. I don't mind going anywhere by myself, it's just that at that time I didn't think I want to go anywhere. But staying feels wrong. Because it seemed that everyone is going out and try to spend most of their time out--exploring the so called foreign city and doing whatever stuffs with their friends, and I don't. And if I don't, it seems like I'm wasting my time... sort of.

So I don't want to go. But I feel like I have to. 

I cried. I told myself that I don't have to cry because I can do what I want, but I don't want to be wrong.  I don't want to cling on something that is not true. Like wanting candy when you have diabetes. Or eating a lot of meat when your mom said you shouldn't. 

I told my puppet buddy that I don't know what to do and he said that I shouldn't do things that make me cry. He said that it might not be true--what I think I should do--and even if it is it won't be good if it were done with a broken heart. He said that it's okay to stay when I feel like staying and only went out  to hang out with friends or eat. He said it's okay to have different thing to care for.

I hugged him and I felt so silly for crying. 

-

I suppose I like being home--or whatever akin to it. I don't mind being alone for a long time. I don't really like conversing with a lot of strangers--because at that time I am anything but myself. But I love things that are festive and loud and bright and being in the middle of it all.

Other than that, I still don't know what drives me to live. My friend asked me not long ago, but I knew that it has been on my mind for a long time and never been answered. Is this mean that I'm one of those people who are merely existing, and not living? So sad... 

Is it even sadder that I don't feel as sad as I think I should be?

-

Mom is very moderate. She tells me what I should and shouldn't do and whenever I said "But I like it." or "But I want to", she'll say that it's up to me if I'd do it anyway. Dad is the reason why I eat a lot. If I can't decide on what to eat, he'd tell me to order everything that I want and I can give it to him if I can't finish it by myself. If I have to wait for my food to come, he'd buy me snacks to eat while waiting for the food. Is it my fault if I would do things that I don't really like solely because I love them and want them to be happy?

-

If I can have a kingdom of my own, I want it to be a place where I can see the open sky. And I can jump through my window and roll on the grass until I get tired and fall asleep until I wake up because of hunger. My people are magical stuffed animals that are powered by love and they will be there as long as I love them. I will tell them stories that I made up every day, and then I'd help them with their harvest and sometimes I'd help them milk their cows and feed their chickens. It doesn't have to be big, my kingdom, I figured that I want to walk around it by foot at times. I'll wash my horse everyday and I'll sleep whenever I want. I'll pet my cats and dogs and hug them and kiss them and rub my head to their belly everyday.

Once every full moon, we will have a bonfire and dance under the moon. We will sing and laugh and hug and kiss.

Whenever I'm bored I'll make up things to do and made it a routine until I'm bored again and make up another stuff to do.

I'll die, and when I died everyone will be dead because I'm dead and I can no longer love them. But can you love something forever, even after you die? Because that would be good. People don't have to die when I died. Or I think it would be better that because I loved them for a long time and they lived for a long time, they then learnt to love too, and because they love each other they can live forever. Or at least until no one love them anymore. Living a life without being loved is terrible anyway, I don't want them to live a terrible life.

-

Lies and Deceit

I remember one time when I'm still in my rebellious phase. I was in junior high school and I don't like it when I'm forced to eat dinner when I'm in the middle of doing something, so that one time is the time when my family (there's my aunt and my uncle also) forced me to eat chicken satay. My mom said it's good and I shouldn't sulk because I'm forced to eat. I ate some and my aunt asked me how it tasted and I replied "It's not special" just to spite them (I WAS in my rebellious phase). They laughed and say something akin to "she didn't mean it". I think I was pretty annoyed back then because I made myself believe that it IS not that special but they don't believe me.

I guess at that time I was too proud to admit that I could've made a bad decision on skipping dinner (or eating later on) or in general, I hate to admit that I was wrong.

Sometimes to the point of lying to myself that it is what I truly felt.

I don't know if I'm still like that though.

I mean, obviously I'm not brutally honest, not not in denial and never very eager to seek the truth. But I guess compared to my old self I learnt that it's okay to make mistakes and supposedly there are less lies that I've told myself (saying that there's absolutely none at the moment would be a lie, so. But I hope I'm wrong tho). I think.

Even if it's not, and whatever lies I've told myself keep piling and piling and piling because I'm that good at deceiving myself, is it really matter?

Is it really matter that I live my life happily because I lied to myself?

That I'm living a life of lies and whatever I convinced myself as genuine are never what I think it was?

That I'd die happy and content without knowing the slightest truth about who I really am?




I don't know, maybe not.

But even if it doesn't really matter, I think lying to yourself is not a very nice thing to do. In fact, I think it's a bit saddening and thinking about it makes me depressed a little. I don't really want to lie to myself.

But then again, I can't really say that one can differ which are lies and which are truths coming out of your head or heart (or at least me, I can't really say that I know how). I mean, how do you know? I don't know about you, but my head is full of voices. Sometimes it's not even mine--it sounded like my friends, my parents, sometimes it sounded like a pony. So how do you know which speaks the truth? I can't tell, most of the time. (I usually just follow whatever's convenient)




But if it doesn't really matter, then why bother, right?


p.s. Actually, there are a lot of times when I feel very honest. But I don't know if that's another lie my mind is trying to tell me.

Suicides

(Some additions of this post are made after a conversation with someone.) 

(Yeah, that's you.)

I actually had a post about death and what I think about death for some time (by some time, trust me, it's a pretty old draft; with a lot of revision, 'course). But before anything, I want to assure you that I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything. It's just that... I think about death a lot. I played with the idea of dying--if I'm going to die young, or old. I played with the idea of death when I'm sick, when I'm bored, when I eat too much, when I eat at irregular times, when I'm in the middle of exam, when I want to sleep, when I'm hungry just before sleep, when people die, when people almost die--a lot of times. In my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for me--being a mortal being that I am--thinking about death on daily basis.

Anyway.

This post is not about death... well not particularly.

Okay maybe a little.

Ahem, anyway.

I saw a post about suicide in woods of Japan. The forest is beautiful, and I really think that it'd be nice if I died in a beautiful place like that. I then thought of other suicides--done in tall buildings... bridges...

I wonder if those places are beautiful. The forest is certainly beautiful, I think. Tall buildings... maybe seeing a bright blue sky ahead without feeling trapped by shadows of other skyscrapers is a pretty nice view before you die. Maybe the same with bridges. The sight of open spaces is calming, is it not?

But I think that's not always the case, if it's ever the case.

I just think it's a shame that when people think of ending their lives, it was driven not by the thought of, like, I don't know, deciding on what kind of place you'll have your last breath. Or what kind of sight you'll see. I mean, most people don't have that luxury because they never saw it coming. But for those who decided to kill themselves, isn't that the part of consideration? Where to die?

Why not pick somewhere beautiful, right?



And now that I think about it, I don't really understand why suicide is so looked down upon. Escaping and not taking responsibilities are bad, but just because most people kill themselves to do so doesn't mean the act of killing self itself is bad.

Well... maybe it kinda is, but it's not as bad as killing other people or inflicting harm towards others, right? Just--okay I'm not saying committing suicide is a good thing but the thing is,
a lot of people scared of dying.

A lot of people scared of death.

A lot of people scared of social exclusion, debt, being left by loved ones, and all that, but I think a lot more people scared of death.


So what I'm saying is: suicide need guts. To do so, you need courage. You need to be sure that you are capable of throwing everything you did for life. You need to be sure that you are ready to leave whatever you've got and will have. You have to be sure that NOTHING is worth living anymore. Because unlike wrong decisions or having no friends, being dead is not a condition you can revert when you changed your mind. It's really easy, I think, to come up with a reason to kill yourself. Some people just don't have enough motivation or guts to do that.



So in principle,
I think making a decision to commit suicide is no different that any other "life-changing" decisions.
Other life changing decisions are probably also driven by the same amount of determination, courage, or desperation--if not less.


So yeah.


But just to be clear:
I am not promoting suicide.
And no pun intended.